My sophisticated statement of disagreement

FORMAL COMPLAINT REQUEST FOR SANCTIONS AND DEMAND FOR RELIEF To: David Nestor, Dean of Students Re: Ridiculous Grandstanding that has resulted in the Perpetual Circus that is the Student Government Association on the Seventh of Day of April in this Two Thousand and Eleventh Year of our Lord (or whatever deity does it for you) I, Zachary Stephen Despart, Opinion Editor of The Vermont Cynic, have been witness to continuous and unabated nonsense conducted by the SGA in the 2010-11 academic year. I hereby assert that the actions – frivolous and in violation of Common Sense and Human Decency – have defrauded the UVM student body of a transparent, productive form of student government. Furthermore, I assert that Aleeza Letter-Basket contributed to the defamation of the SGA by ignoring the mandate of the Students of the University, given in the presidential election 3/23-24. I hereby charge the SGA with the following actions: 1.     Of theft. The SGA has robbed the Students of the University of a respectable government, by becoming embroiled in a scandal that serves only to sling mud on all involved. 2.     Of Pettiness in the Upteenth Degree. The Senate has on two occasions voted to censure President Mensah for, among other things, failing to send out e-mails on time. Senator Plaskett has alleged that Julian Golfarini spent too much money on banners. 3.     Of Obligating The Cynic To Write Tens of Articles About The Pros And Cons Of Banning Bottled Water On Campus. FACT: No one reads these articles. 4.     Of Menace. The SGA has, on several occasions, threatened myself and the Students of the University to create a dysfunctional system of government akin to the United States House of Representatives. Facts & Background Information in Support of My Complaint Non possumus. I Demand: 1.     That a full and fair review of the priorities of the SGA be held, and that the transcript of said review be provided to the Students of the University. 2.     That if found guilty in the Court of Public Opinion, Aliza Letterer-Plaskett should resign from her post as Chief Whiner of the SGA. 3.     That either a new SGA be created, or the SGA be restored to its membership priorto when all this tomfoolery started. FACT: Tomfoolery is defined by Webster as “foolish or silly behavior”. 4.     That Springfest be held outside. 5.     That all angry rants sent to the SGA and Burlington media outlets be copy edited before and prior to dissemination. 6.     The immediate and instantaneous resignation of Steve R. of Hannaford on Dorset Street for giving me a Canadian quarter in my change. Relief Sought: 1.     The immediate Cease and Desist of all Nonsense that distracts the SGA from conducting the business of the Students of the University. FACT: There are at least 18 different species of penguins. Be it further resolved, wheareas, therefore, hirtherto, subsequently, notwithstanding, post hoc ergo propter hoc, that I acknowledge that all of the above information is true and accurately reflects the matter in question, to the best of my (lawyer’s) belief and knowledge. Zachary S. Despart Cc: A. Finch, Esq. Cc: P. Johnson, Ph.D. Cc: T. Hughes, M.F.A. Cc: C. Norris, B.A.M.F.