Of cars, longboards and bikes. Oh my!

Let’s talk about driving. Don’t drive? OK, we’ll talk about longboarding and biking, too. And while we’re at it, tossing walking into the ring won’t hurt either, because most people can’t seem to handle it. I have the unfortunate pleasure of having to drive around this great county called Chittenden and its surrounding sister counties, and I can’t help but get irritated by what I see. My point in short: Get out of my way. So let us begin with you drivers. Burlington is small. On a good day, you can probably walk faster than it takes to drive around the city. And on a bad one, your car has been keyed, towed, moved to a different lot, sold on the black market, repainted banana yellow and returned to you with a funky smell after you’ve paid the parking warlords an insane amount of coin. But that’s parking — and that’s another column — so back to driving. Turn signals are not optional; if you’re turning left, let the driver behind you know about it before you slam on your brakes to turn so they don’t dent your swanky New Jersey license plate. Oh, and those big, red, octagonal shaped things you see? Those are stop signs. Pay attention, now, to that word “stop.” I’ll give you three guesses as to what you’re supposed to do when you see one of those, and it’s not speed up. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to look out for your peers who don’t drive. I don’t know about the rest of you, but getting hit by a car is not on my list of “to-dos.” In fact, I do everything in my power to avoid getting hit by your car when you’re driving. Sure, you may think you have the right of way, but c’mon, kids, get out of the road when that red hand is flashing! What else can you pedestrians do to lower the collective blood pressure of the Burlington driving populous? Turn down the tunes when you’re crossing the street so you can hear all the traffic around you. Bike in the road all you want, but when you do, those same traffic laws I follow apply to you too. If I can’t turn left on red, neither can you, pal. Longboarding is sweet, sure, but flying down Pearl Street hill at night, wearing black, against red lights is plain asinine. And drunk kids, alcohol only makes you feel invincible. Cars hurt when they hit you. Even when you’re drunk. So longboarders, bikers, drunk kids and other terrible drivers, hear me out. While you’re chuckling about how you pissed off some driver, they’re busy trying to find a place to park to chase you down on foot. But parking is a nightmare in this city, and that’s a story for next week.