Slightly to the right of crazy

There are two things the GOP primary season is good for: watching candidates tramp through the Midwest awkwardly eating deep-fried local fare to boost their street cred —is that what they call it in Iowa? —and testing America’s capacity to tolerate bullshit. Rick Perry believes that man-made climate change is a hoax, and called the Chairman of the Federal Reserve a traitor.  Herman Cain said that the First Amendment gives Americans the right to ban the construction of mosques in their towns. He also said he wouldn’t appoint Muslims to positions in his administration —at least, he’d require them to swear to a loyalty oath first. Michele Bachmann believes that homosexuality is a sexual identity disorder, likening it to “personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement.” Rick Santorum supported a Texas law banning sodomy and doesn’t believe the right to privacy is guaranteed by the Constitution. But one candidate has remained remarkably silent throughout the campaign ­– Mitt Romney. If you look up Republican in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Mitt Romney. If anyone can make tucking a dress shirt into jeans look like an acceptable fashion choice, it’s this guy. Mitt Romney is what everyone wishes their grandfather looked like. On straight stud-ness, and I know that this may be sacreligious, but I think Romney even tops Reagan. While the other major candidates are busy demonizing different pockets of America, Romney has remained out of the fray. He didn’t participate in the Ames straw poll last month, and has largely stayed away from personally attacking other candidates. Sure, Romney has his faults. He expanded healthcare to thousands of uninsured as governor of Massachusetts. Plus, he’s a Mormon — the Constitution may ban religious tests, but the Republican primary certainly does not. And then there’s Sarah Palin, who is under the impression that the Republican primary is the Triborough Bridge at rush hour and she’s the only one with an E-ZPass. You can’t just show up when you damn well please. As the late philosopher Walter Sobchak said,”This isn’t Vietnam; there are rules.” Seriously, I’m waiting, nay, hoping for a one hour special on Fox next week titled “The Decision” where Palin will decide on her candidacy. Personally, I’m hoping she takes her talents to South Beach and retires there. But really – and as unfathomable as this seems – I don’t think there’s any room for Palin in the race. What’s her angle? You can’t out-Jesus Michele Bachmann. You can’t out-Islamophobe Herman Cain. Palin could try to more profoundly misinterpret the Constitution, but even that would be tall order, given the stances of her colleagues. I guess the only place for Palin is slightly to the right of crazy. But where exactly that is, who knows?   And remember that one reasonable guy from Minnesota? Yeah, he dropped out after finishing third in the Ames straw poll. Look at it this way — the remaining GOP candidates are like the Lethal Weapon series, and Romney is the first film – they’re all unbearable, but the first one just sucks a little bit less. And aren’t we all waiting for Ron Paul to finally say “I’m getting to old for this s…”? Mitt Romney believes in America. I know that because his website says so.  Can any of the other candidates win the nomination? I hope not, though Rick Perry remains atop the polls. So I might just have to move to New Hampshire come January to help good ol’ Mitt out.