The F.B. side

Dear Cynical Friend:

I’ve been crushing on a boy in my building for the past couple months. We hang out, go get food and stuff, but I’m too shy to make the first move. His birthday is coming up next week. What’s the perfect Facebook gift to show my true feelings without coming on too strong?

-Crushing in CBW

Dear Crushing,

WARNING: Before sending any Facebook gifts (after the first free one which I know you’ve used) take into consideration the impact of sending a $1 FB gift. It may not seem like a lot of moolah to you, but to a guy it’s the FB equivalent of $100 diamond earrings.

No matter what gift you choose from the playful (albeit random) Facebook gift store, your crush could take it as coming on too strong since you spent those five whole minutes punching in your credit card number and picking out the perfect present.

That being said, let me break down the tricky code behind Facebook gifts. A long time ago (February 2007) FB gifts were created for Valentine’s Day. Back then, girls wearing Rock & Republic jeans took their dad’s credit cards out of their Vera Bradley wallets and made the movement live on. A $1 shot glass or lime for a BFF’s 21st birthday? Sure. Half a PB&J or a lava lamp? Not so much.

On to your dilemma: Do not give a puppy! Yes, it might look cute and cuddly but this evil little pup will kill any chance with this guy.

And do not give the bar of soap or gym sock. These are designated for boys who wear American Eagle only.

Kissy lips, a rose, or any of that “you + me” crap might seem sweet, but you might as well walk up to him and throw yourself at him. The birthday balloon is a little too vague though … who are you, his grandma?

If you’re trying to keep it serious I would suggest the chocolate hostess cupcake, attached with a cute and subtly sexy birthday message. This gift shows that you remembered his birthday and care about him, without being a psycho over the top Facebook stalker.

Just remember, do not send the gift as private. Even a guy who is the biggest FB idiot will interpret this move as you screaming, “I want to have your babies!”

Is your self worth increasingly contingent upon how many Facebook friends you have? If yes, add Cynical Friend to your F.B. network, so you too can get your urgent Facebook drama analyzed in the real world. No MySpace questions please.