Things You Wanted to Say, But Didn’t

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Ah yes, Red Sox vs. Yankees, the ultimate rivalry. Oh how I loved this series. Red Sox fans rioting, Yankees fans rioting, “GO SOX” written on my door in permanent marker, then “F*** THE SOX, GO YANKEES” written over it. There were also girls who have never watched a sporting event in their life who were suddenly able to weep over the loss as well as fights breaking out and kids getting beat up…fantastic! They say hate is not a UVM value. Well, it is during the baseball playoffs.

You know, I do not really have a sizeable problem with the girls who pretend to get into it to impress guys; they will be found out soon enough. What I do have a problem with is this: I walk into the bathroom after Boston’s loss in game seven and I hear,”You know, I didn’t even watch the games. I don’t especially understand baseball.” WHAT!?! You don’t understand baseball? Are you retarded? Let me help you out.

There is a ball. The pitcher throws it at the batter, who coincidentally has a bat. Hey, and what do you know, the batter swings at the ball with his bat! He gets three chances to hit the ball or he is out (I will leave it at that-the “four balls and you walk” thing might confuse you). If his last name is Ortiz and he is really freaking great, then he hits it very far (with his bat) and gets to run around the bases (those are the white squares equally spaced around the infield). By god, take me to town…That is how you score points! In case you watch cheerleading competitions, it is just like that…The team with the most points wins! And that is baseball in a nutshell for all of you girls who missed out on the series this year on account of your comprehensive disabilities.

Every once in awhile…Oh hell, probably seven or eight times a day…I get the feeling that this world is being overrun by dim-witted girls. To prove my point, let me offer you another occasion I witnessed. Coming back from class on the bus, I overhear a conversation between the two girls next to me. Little did I know that it would be one of the most thoughtless conversations I have ever been privy to.

Girl 1: “I would give up my intellect to be pretty.”

Girl 2: “God, so would I. Who wouldn’t?”

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? What person in his/her right mind would ever say that? Basically you are saying that you want to be the next Anna Nicole Smith. Hey, yeah, I have always wanted to be as dumb as a sack of rocks if I could look good. In your case, I do not think it would be much of a trade-off anyways, because obviously you do not have a lot of intellect to be bargaining with in the first place. I would rethink that one if I were you.

I just have one last thing to say to my fellow “journalist,” Christopher Dunham. By no means am I a guy. And it would really turn my crank if you would never insult me again by confusing my work to that of a guy, which is so inferior. By the way, if you do not like it, do not read it and you will save yourself the trouble of being offended.