We all have our guilty secrets, like the celebrity we quietly crush on or an opinion that might receive some backlash. However, the culture and editorial staff are daring enough to expose themselves for your entertainment. Enjoy our hear-me-outs, but remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Hear me out, Finn McMissile from “Cars 2” — Jess Mazzola
Look, I get it; that title may raise a few eyebrows. However, before you call me a creep for my attraction to an automobile, I want you to open your laptop and start playing any scene from “Cars 2” with Finn in it.
Very soon, you will come to see the appeal. A suave, cool, resourceful British spy — voiced by Micheal Caine — who can get Lightning McQueen and unsuspecting Tow Mater out of any pickle they get themselves into.
He’s basically James Bond with greater mileage and an arguably cooler look. I mean, every car fanatic would swoon at his sleek Aston Martin-type build with built-in grappling hooks and a smooth metallic paint job.
Moreover, Finn is a true provider; ambitious and career-oriented, he stops at nothing to complete a mission, something everyone needs in a man. His altruism and true motivation to do good in this world are not only inspiring but extremely attractive.
Not to mention, he’s sophisticated and intelligent without being pretentious, an extremely rare balance to come across amongst the male species nowadays. Finn wouldn’t be the type to mansplain “Pulp Fiction” or correct a female political science professor in front of the whole class.
Call me a creep for having a crush on an animated British car, but take a look at the potential lovers you might be going after before you judge my attraction to a man who’s got the whole package — and I don’t just mean his array of built-in spy gadgets and high torque capacity.
Hear me out, Detective Oliva Benson — Kendall Evans
Strong, independent, sassy, can pull off various hair lengths, face card since birth: I give you detective Olivia Benson.
Growing up, my grandparents exclusively watched “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit,” so naturally, as a young, closeted — in the sense that I had no clue I was gay — child, I took a particular liking to Detective Olivia Benson.
However, I’m here to say that Olivia Benson deserves more love than childhood nostalgia. Benson has been on the show since 1999 and has never, not once, proven herself to be anything short of the best character ever written on television.
She literally adopted a child when she was single and began dominating the single mom work-life balance. I mean, come on. Her no-nonsense outlook on life really taught me that I am the captain of my ship.
Benson has been, and will always be, my go-to parasocial relationship crush, and it’s withstood the test of time for good reason. Not only did Benson teach me practical lessons about life and how to be a strong, independent woman in the world, she also showed me that I was gay. And that’s something I could never repay her for.
Hear me out, Kamala Harris — Maggie Swanborn
She’s intelligent, charismatic, loves a good laugh and looks great in a pantsuit.
Kamala always has wise words to lend, even if they make zero sense. She would be a great partner because she is grounding, always reminding me about the context in which I live and what came before me. Post-coconut clarity, if you will.
It’s a bummer she lost the election, for many reasons obviously, but I mean, Kamala as the leader of the free world would’ve been hot. We could’ve taken luxurious trips to international conferences on Air Force One. Romantic.
However, her questionable political policies may raise eyebrows. First of all, I can change her. Second, in light of the administration we are stuck with now, I think I should be allowed to look back with rose-colored glasses, at least for the sake of this bit.
Maybe it will be complicated because she is married, but that has never stopped politicians in the past, and that same privilege should be extended to the first female Vice President. Also, Doug is always welcome.
My ideal partner is already endorsed by Charli XCX, and she said it herself: Kamala is “Brat.”
Hear me out, people should stop using umbrellas — Maggie O’Shea
Rain is a beautiful and necessary ecological phenomenon, and we shouldn’t be trying to hide from it. Stop shying away from nature and embrace it. Let go a little, dance in the rain, jump in some puddles and feel like a kid again.
If you don’t want to get rained on, I have a solution for you: a raincoat. I get it, sometimes these are cumbersome. Some raincoats are very expensive and some are just plain ugly.
But you can have fun with it. Get yourself a raincoat in your favorite color. And don’t buy new, thrift it. It’s cheaper and better for the environment.
Let’s leave umbrellas behind and start embracing nature as it was meant to be felt. Or, just wear a raincoat.
Hear me out, Lester Holt — Erika Tally
Okay, maybe he’s a pretty niche pick, but bear with me here. For those who don’t know, Lester Holt has been the anchor of the NBC Nightly News for 10 years, after taking over from fellow — though somewhat disgraced — baddie, Brian Williams.
Breaking news: this handsome anchorman might be the total package. He’s well-educated, well-spoken, up on current events and well, that bank account certainly isn’t lacking. He’s also ethically obligated to tell the truth, and integrity is rare in a man these days.
I grew up watching Lester on TV every night. Back then, I was listening to the newest story updates, and now I’m hunting for a marriage prospect.
Your next objection may be aimed at Mr. Holt’s age, 65. However, the man can provide a senior discount and those AARP benefits aren’t bad either. Not to mention the prospect of being a journalism nepo-trophy wife, you have to consider the networking here.
While the soft-spoken Holt may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I would read whatever he told me off a teleprompter. And by the way, he’s 6’2’. However, if Lester is staying loyal, David Muir should go find my email on the staff page and slide in the inbox. Let’s cook up some joint bylines, baby.
