April Fools: The entertaining News Summary By Spiro!

InternationalRussiaSmirnoff introduces a new drink for pussies Wimps, dorks and nerds all over campus are praising the new drink touted as being perfect for “pussies.” The drink, which is sweet, clear and low-calorie, is targeted at students whose delicate tummies and unrefined tastes leave them unable to handle real drinks like whiskey and dark beer. Said Tom Brodham, a member of the fraternity community here at UVM when asked if he would like a sip, “What are you, a girl,” adding, “bro?” Marketed under the name “Pantyweise,” the drink is largely indistinguishable from drinks like Mikes Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice and local favorite Longtrail’s Blackbeary Wheat. It is the first, however, to openly market to the pussy crowd. “Pussies are no longer relegated to the fringes of society. They are making great and progressive strides forward,” said Senior Marketing Executive William Spindle, “They deserve a drink that not only serves their tastes, but proudly and loudly speaks directly to them.” The drink is marked under the slogan, “Beer? Ew!”LOCALVERMONTUVM’s bigots demand equal rights Tens of UVM’s bigot community gathered in front of the Davis Center Friday to protest, according to group leader JimBob Dench, “UVM’s discriminatory policies.” “This country has a long and proud tradition of upholding the rights of white, male, Christians to express their views, no matter how controversial, and it’s time that this University respect that.” The leaders of the movement are framing the issue as a safety concern. “I don’t feel safe walking through campus anymore. Everywhere I go I feel threatened by redheads, Lithuanians and those of mixed Dutch Australian ancestry who for whatever reason don’t like my clothing, the way I carry myself or the fact that I am constantly flinging vitriolic messages of hate into their faces,” said a member of the protest who wished not to be named. This comes on the heels of an SGA senate resolution seeking to expel ALANA from campus for their, “consistent intolerance of intolerant views and failure to understand the plight of the enfranchised.”NationalWASHINGTONNew decency guidelines imposed upon all publicationsThe FCC this week took the unprecedented step of imposing decency guidelines not only upon broadcast media, but extending these guidelines to print and online media as well. Formal publications may no longer run the words —-, ——– or —— without facing stiff penalties. The move has faced harsh criticism not only from free-speech advocates, but also those that see the ruling as arbitrary and inconsistent. “Why is it that I can, say, accuse the coach of my favorite sport’s team’s rival a — —— — , but not —- ing — —– ?” Said former Editor-In-Chief of The Vermont Cynic, Austin Danforth. When the horrified reporter informed the visibly drunken former editor that basic standards of decency would allow none of his words to be published, Danforth was seen to break down into tears.LocalVERMONTUniversity president’s sex-life detailed in new book, “Hookers, Coke and Maple Syrup.” The book, being described as “lurid” by publisher Harper-Collins comes out this week in both paperback and hard cover. An audio version is also planned for distribution by download and compact disc. According the the author, known only as Rockitt, the biography details the president’s rise to prominence, “Basically he f —– ed his way to the top.” When asked how he reconciles his raucous past with current University policies that crack down on drug and under-age alcohol consumption, the president replied simply, “I got hoes in different area codes.” It is unknown what was meant by that, as the state, in fact, has only one