Do Us All a Favor, Get a Haircut

There is no use in denying the obvious: this is column is targeted towards women. I am surprised that one of the thousands of political groups at UVM still has not made a fuss over this.

Some of those groups, the breeds who believe that men should know how to make muffins and cupcakes, and insist on saying things like “chairperson” as opposed to “chairman”, probably think that I am making an effort to further establish the image women as sex objects.

By making trivial aspects of life (like bags and stripes) seem important, I am deliberately ignoring topics such as politics and women’s rights. You see, I have been really thinking about my worldview and whether my emphasis on fashion and appearances is really detrimental to us womyn (yes, you read that right, “womyn”), and came to the illuminating conclusion that I should change my ways.

I should rant about what men wear as well. I hope this radical change of journalistic goals now pleases those advocates of the Right To Choose and enemies of bras, deodorant and shaving cream. Fine, I don’t really care if I please them or not. What I do care about, at least for this week, is mohawks and layers.

Mohawks were big during the punk years – the late-’70s to mid-’90s. The quintessential haircut of rebellion has been the ultimate nametag for punks, starting in the days of the Sex Pistols and New York Dolls to the unapologetically commercial Green Day.

This radical new hairstyle that scandalized conservative members of society everywhere was a form of club membership for “outsiders.” It was a way of disassociating with mainstream to attain membership in a smaller, tighter subculture.

No one, and by that I mean nadie, nessuno, could have predicted that the mohawk would ever become mainstream. At least not until a handsome blonde by the name of David – Beckham that is – decided three years ago to sport what is now called a “fauxhawk”, a regular short cut with a slightly longer strip of hair across the top of the head ending at the nape of the neck.

The style created a sensation in Europe and South America, where male fashionistas proudly carried all possible incarnations of the new favorite. Either gelled up, or kept messy with some longer stands of hair of the back, males everywhere were hooked.

The trend, of course, was not as big in this part of the globe, given that the majority of Americans – especially rural and suburbanites – are very resistant to fashion trends that could slightly remind them of the most taboo decade in the country.

The same is true for the new mullet haircut, which is really nothing else than a layered haircut for men. Of course, the female layers slowly permeated into America culture, just about six years later than everywhere else. I still see females on campus with blunt, ruler straight cuts!

But as the population finally moves away from the mid-’90s, men are slowly starting to understand that the word mullet does not apply to every haircut that is not a buzz or a crew. Only yesterday, a male friend of mine, upon spotting a perfect male specimen with a beautiful shag, exclaimed “The dude rocks a mullet!” Oh, the things one has to deal with around here!

UVMers may have a slightly difficult time understanding that male haircuts evolve as much as women’s do. But having short hair, men are able to take more risks and lose much less than women.

The next time any of you youngins visit a city, take the time to look around and see what the latest hairstyles are. Chances are, fauxhawks (although a little pas?©e by now) and layered cuts will grace the heads of the most handome hipsters and studs alike.

So unless you are in the Army, where having ugly hair is part of the deal of getting money for college, print a picture of England’s most loved icon and tell Stylist Joe to make you look like a God of Sex.

And if one of your buddies decides to question your sexuality, just ask “Who do you think gets more tail, Becks or G.I. Joe?” The answer is obvious.