I’m a guy. And as a guy, oftentimes I hear conversations from other dude’s about their sex life, and usually the stories are very brash. 

And it’s not the bragging that’s wrong, people are always gonna brag, whether it’s about baseball, ballet, or some kickass homemade applesauce. It’s the way some dude’s brag that needs to change, or truly just how they talk about sex in general.

It’s the word choice. It’s the phrases used, specifically these two I’ve heard multiple times from guys’ when talking about boogying down. 

“Yeaaaaahhhh bro, so… we we’re chillin’ right, and then things got kindaaaa crazy, and I ended up fucking the living shit out of her dude.” Well, that escalated quickly.

or

“Yeah dude… I went home last night and I couldn’t even get into my room because I heard so and so getting absolutely railed by x”

Both of these suck. There’s a lot to unpack there. But first things first, who actually wants to fuck the living shit out of someone, or get the living shit fucked out of them. Living shit is already so gross, getting that fucked out of you good lord. That doesn’t sound like a fun time for either party, and actually just sounds rapey.

Why is it that some guys always describe sex in such a dominating manner, specifically straight dudes. Whenever I hear guys talking about sex in this tone, it’s almost always about sex with a girl, and I think that’s where the core issue lies.

A lot of guys grow up in environments that encourage this way of talking. These are the same groups where if a guy we’re to get with a girl who was maybe taller than them or stronger than them, they’d make jokes about them getting pegged and being submissive in bed. 

It’s the thought young boys are taught from movies, media, and specifically porn that guys are supposed to be da man in bed and relationships. Girls are supposed to be submissive, guys aren’t.

In a study done on pornography’s effect on teenagers by the American Bar Association, it was found that porn normalizes sexual harm and promotes aggression torwards women. 

I doubt that comes as a surprise to anyone who has watched PornHub before.

The study states this is because at a young age media has a tremendous capacity to teach. This is because mirror neurons in our brain are much more active when we’re younger, which means since the content is often violent or sexist towards women teenagers will learn to imitate that behavior.

So, it’s not completely these guys fault when they are talking about sex in a problematic way. That doesn’t mean their phrasing is excusable, but some of the responsibility here falls on websites like PornHub and others that show young people this is what sex is supposed to be.

And for the record, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with rough or crazy sex or whatever term you’d use instead of “railing someone” or “fucking the living shit out of someone.” To each their own! I don’t judge there, as long as it’s consensual you do you. It’s just the terminology that oozes toxic masculinity and rape culture.

So how do we put a stop to this? How do we prevent these guys from thinking and talking like this about sex.

One thing I know I can do better is I can hold myself more accountable for being a bystander when other guys talk like this. If you’re like me, and you feel kinda irked when you hear stories and phrasing like this, we have to try to do better than roll our eyes and move on. 

The change can start by simply confronting the person in a calm manner, and explaining that their way of talking is, well, kinda gross, and contributes to rape culture that many guys tolerate. 

If you do want to talk about having rough sex you can say exactly that, instead of claming you railed someone. It’s not even an effective brag.

It’s also interesting that the guys who talk this way about sex wouldn’t dare be caught dead having someone sex them in this way. The guy always has to be the asserter. To be submissive would be social suicide. This needs to change.

It’s also important to remind the guy talking the person who they had sex with is a human being, not some sextoy. The world would be a better place if men stopped seeing sex as a primal conquest and rather a vulnerable act for both parties to undergo. 

It should not always be women explaining this to other guys, many of us say we want to see a change here but don’t actively pursue it.

If we can start to have healthy conversations about sex earlier in life rather than later we will all benefit. 

It’s easier said than done, but the change starts with us my fellow dudes.

Here’s to getting pegged, and not changing last names when you marry. 

Unless you want to, but that status quo is also pretty dumb.