The Vermont Cynic

On Montreal and tragic poutine encounters

On Montreal and tragic poutine encounters

Daltrey Burris

April 8, 2016

One of the perks of attending the University of Vermont is its proximity to Canada, a terrifying place where speeds are measured in thousands of meters per hour and milk comes in plastic bags. The main reason anyone braves these dreadful conditions is the legal drinking age, allowing almost a...

An honest response to last week’s ‘sorority life’ piece

March 31, 2016

Dear editor,In case this message finds its way into the hands of a reader who may not have seen the article I am referencing, yet another uninspired satirical list of offensive stereotypes about sorority life was recently published in the Cynic and it deserves a response. While I understand the piece is...

Reflections on sorority life

Reflections on sorority life

Daltrey Burris

March 23, 2016

[media-credit name="ALYSSA HANDELMANN" align="alignnone" width="403"][/media-credit] To my innumerable hordes of female readers, While I lack any semblance of official affiliation with Greek life, I managed to infiltrate a local sorority in a "She’s The Man" type-fashion to get the inside scoop o...

An early lesson through sports

An early lesson through sports

March 17, 2016

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for origin tales, where old characters are fleshed out and introduced to their friend group years prior. While many seem to dislike the movie prequels and delayed TV pilot episodes which showcase why people are certain ways, I feel that they allow a deeper un...

Catching a ride on the educational terror bus

Catching a ride on the educational terror bus

Daltrey Burris

March 3, 2016

“No mom, please, you can’t make me go! I won’t do it,” Arnold screamed. The two had been arguing for the entire duration of the twelve minute drive to school. Despite his protests, Arnold’s exasperated mother, Jane, grabbed his arms and began unwedging his squirming body from the seat....

A food industry love story

Daltrey Burris

February 17, 2016

Our eyes met as we both reached for the fetid dish-rag at the same time. Standing over the moist wooden table we shared a smile, the chewed flecks of basil like Italian mistletoe beneath us. Flirtatiously, I said “I’ll wipe this down for you”. “Okay thanks” she replied, sexily. Then we parted ways ...

UVM to hold ticketed orientation

UVM to hold ticketed orientation

Daltrey Burris

September 24, 2015

For the first time in Vermont history, the University of Vermont has offered its incoming first-years the chance to be denied entrance to a gathering. Eschewing the universally lame idea of including all of the undergrads, the college has decided to make its parties a bit more exclusive to really get ...

Big hands responsible for cancer, university finds

Daltrey Burris

September 10, 2015

Last week medical scientists at Johns Hopkins University released the reports of their latest long-term experiment. Through repeated trials it was shown that participants who had a larger hand length than their face, were statistically more likely (p=.0012) to develop some form of cancer in the next f...

Letter to the Editor: Donald Trump ‘16

September 10, 2015

Sorry, I just can’t contain my excitement any longer. This is the man I have been waiting for all my life, almost like a real Prince Charming.He has it all, the perfect hair, the wealth, and above all else, the best public relations record of any Republican presidential candidate to date.Move aside Ro...

Five ways to be an NBR pickup artist

Daltrey Burris

April 28, 2015

The yearly Naked Bike Ride is once again upon us and, with it, all the excitement and potential for a new hook up. Here’s some simple tricks to help you get into someone’s pants, figuratively speaking. 1. You are what you eat. The best way to look your best and garner that sweet, sweet sexual validation ...

Yik-Yak, ho!

Daltrey Burris

April 21, 2015

“Any cute girls trying to hook up in the library?” He leaned back into his chair, satisfied with his most recent attempt to get the ball rolling. Mike Sherman wasn’t new to this game. He’d done this plenty of times before. His dad always told him the secret to picking up girls was using a wi...

Metrosexual group wants to join LGBT

Daltrey Burris

April 14, 2015

BURLINGTON, VT— In the last few days, an unlikely group had expressed its outrage toward the LGBTQA association, short for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer and ally. The group, which was formed to provide support and protection for atypical sexualities and identities, now has a myriad of...

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