The Vermont Cynic

An early lesson through sports

An early lesson through sports

March 17, 2016

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for origin tales, where old characters are fleshed out and...

Catching a ride on the educational terror bus

Catching a ride on the educational terror bus

March 3, 2016

“No mom, please, you can’t make me go! I won’t do it,” Arnold screamed. The two had been argu...

A food industry love story

Daltrey Burris

February 17, 2016

Filed under Opinion

Our eyes met as we both reached for the fetid dish-rag at the same time. Standing over the moist wooden table we shared a smile, the chewed flecks of basil like Italian mistletoe beneath us. Flirtatiously, I said “I’ll wipe this down for you”. “Okay thanks” she replied, sexily. Then we parted ways – she to the ...

UVM to hold ticketed orientation

UVM to hold ticketed orientation

Daltrey Burris

September 24, 2015

Filed under Modest Proposals, Opinion

For the first time in Vermont history, the University of Vermont has offered its incoming first-years the chance to be ...

Big hands responsible for cancer, university finds

Daltrey Burris

September 10, 2015

Filed under Modest Proposals, Opinion

Last week medical scientists at Johns Hopkins University released the reports of their latest long-term experiment. Through repeated trials it was shown that participants who had a larger hand length than their face, were statistically more likely (p=.0012) to develop some form of cancer in the next five years. The experimenters di...

Letter to the Editor: Donald Trump ‘16

September 10, 2015

Filed under Letter to the Editor, Opinion

Sorry, I just can’t contain my excitement any longer. This is the man I have been waiting for all my life, almost like a real Prince Charming.He has it all, the perfect hair, the wealth, and above all else, the best public relations record of any Republican presidential candidate to date.Move aside Ronald Regan, there’s a n...

Five ways to be an NBR pickup artist

Daltrey Burris

April 28, 2015

Filed under Modest Proposals, Opinion

The yearly Naked Bike Ride is once again upon us and, with it, all the excitement and potential for a new hook up. Here’s some simple tricks to help you get into someone’s pants, figuratively speaking. 1. You are what you eat. The best way to look your best and garner that sweet, sweet sexual validation from strangers ...

Yik-Yak, ho!

Daltrey Burris

April 21, 2015

Filed under Modest Proposals, Opinion

“Any cute girls trying to hook up in the library?” He leaned back into his chair, satisfied with his most recent attempt to get the ball rolling. Mike Sherman wasn’t new to this game. He’d done this plenty of times before. His dad always told him the secret to picking up girls was using a wide net, and Mike was using ...

Metrosexual group wants to join LGBT

Daltrey Burris

April 14, 2015

Filed under Modest Proposals, Opinion

BURLINGTON, VT— In the last few days, an unlikely group had expressed its outrage toward the LGBTQA association, short for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer and ally. The group, which was formed to provide support and protection for atypical sexualities and identities, now has a myriad of locations around the United ...

Gary Derr, revealed

Daltrey Burris

April 7, 2015

Filed under Modest Proposals, Opinion

“Eureka!” The words resounded harshly against the sterile, eggshell-colored walls of the laboratory. Gary Derr shoved various half-empty alembics to the side and scribbled feverishly into the scrap ledgers of his UVM brand, recycled, one-subject notebook. After years of research in the sub-basement of Angell Hall, he’d finally ...

Letter to the Editor: Real satire, racism and UVM

November 18, 2014

Filed under Opinion, Opinion Regulars

Dear Editor,Satire sheds the cold, bright light of humor onto societal ills by ridiculing those with power. In theory, it is constructive social criticism, yet satirists often lose sight of their original intent.Comedians like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and writers like Kerry Martin attempt to use sarcasm, foregoing poli...

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