The gyms are empty, the fruits and vegetables are growing mold and the liquor stores have their customers back. While the semester is just starting up, many of us are already abandoning our productive New Year’s resolutions.

Seeing as we are destined to fail to follow through with our resolutions, the culture staff has suggestions for what to do instead this year. Take their advice with caution, and remember, you can always claim “2026 will be my year.”

Caffeine consumption — Kendall Evans

As 2025 begins, I’ve finally settled on my New Year’s resolution. I am focusing on my caffeine consumption, in the sense that there will be more of it.

This year, I will consume more caffeine than ever before. I’m talking drip coffees, Yerbas, espresso shots, Monsters, Red Bulls and copious amounts of late-night Diet Coke. Keep glass objects away from me, because I will be vibrating.

I’m expecting some pushback regarding my resolution and its related cardiovascular liability, however, it is an act of survival.

Not only do I need the extra energy to keep up with my school work, hobbies and jobs, but I also need time to question the future of our country and myself after the sudden realization that I will be 25 years old when Trump’s second term is over—practically middle-aged.

So, cheers to never having a moment’s peace and bubbling with uneasiness in 2025.

Avoiding Central — Mackenzie Bender

Going into 2025, I want to get over my debilitating fear of going into Central Dining alone, but let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen.

I’m not fully aware of where this fear comes from. Sure, I might see one of my “opps,” people I would just rather not see in public. However, that can’t be the only reason my heart drops every time I stand in the line of a million people at 12:55 p.m.

Part of me wishes I could walk in with my over-the-ear headphones and be some mysterious “manic pixie dream girl,” but I think people would sense the fake aura as soon as I walk in.

The weird part is I am totally fine being on my own anywhere else. I love sitting in Grundle, having my screen time while eating a barely toasted bagel in the morning, or walking into Howe by myself to type away on my computer.

There is just something about the Central Dining atmosphere that makes me unbelievably anxious. I need to get over it for sure, but I would much rather drag one of my friends along with me instead of braving it alone.

Drink more —Maggie Swanborn

Here’s my weekly schedule for 2025. Monday, Duff at Needs. Tuesday, half-off cocktails at Daily Planet. Wednesday, wine at home. Thursday, 3-dollar pitchers at Finn’s. Weekend, begrudgingly paying full price.

I want it all, and I plan on drinking it all. You might be thinking, but Maggie, didn’t you read the U.S. Surgeon General’s report about the dangers of alcohol? No, I saw the New York Times headline but decided not to click on the notification as a form of self-care.

How can I justify this resolution? I know it may seem somewhat self-destructive, but if Pete Hegseth gets to be Secretary of Defense despite multiple allegations of alcohol abuse and misconduct, I don’t see why I can’t have a few drinks on the job. After all, being drunk on live TV actually helped his career.

To all current professors and future employers, this is a joke, I’m like, so sober. To my future AA group, HEYYYYYY.

Take more selfies — Maggie Swanborn

The selfie has taken a major hit in popularity ever since the release of “Let Me Take a Selfie” by The Chainsmokers, it has never come close to the fame and glory it enjoyed after Ellen gathered Meryl Streep and Bradly Cooper to join her in the famous Oscars selfie.

The entire concept loses more and more cultural capital every time your parents say “ussie.” However, I refuse to let this stigma stop me from capturing my good side during golden hour in 2025.

After binge-watching the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, I have been inspired to embrace the selfie full-stop. I’m not saying the selfie will be cool again thanks to the middle-aged women from Utah, but the way they wear their vanity on their sleeves is inspirational and exactly how I want to live in 2025. My parents didn’t splurge on the 256 GBs for nothing.

From now on I am an equal opportunity selfie taker. In the morning? Sure. Drunk? Definitely. In public? Easy. With Strangers? No problem. Snapchat dog filter? That may be too far.

Steal from the dining hall MORE — Paige Bencken

Plates, cups and silverware are expensive, and Target is a long bus ride away through the bitter cold. I’ve already realized I am short a few forks and as someone who hates doing dishes, my silverware is out of commission for about a week or two once used.

Thankfully, the dining hall offers an abundance of dining ware, all up for the taking just feet away from my front door. If I don’t want to wash the dirty bowls and forks covering my desk, I’ll just mosey on down to Central Dining and take what I deserve.

I already pay for my meal swipes and theft is probably factored into tuition costs, so why wouldn’t I simply take what I’m already paying for?

It’s not like they’ll miss the extra plates. They have so many and this gives them fewer dishes to wash. I’m basically doing them a favor.

This year, I’m upping my game and taking even more than I’ve already obtained. UVM Dining will never see those dishes again. To my RA, this is a joke and I would never commit theft. Please don’t check my room—I don’t want to put my bed rail up again.