Arts & Entertainment Editor Displays Her Super “Powers”

I thought I might take this April Fools opportunity to showcase someone in the field of Arts & Entertainment quite special to me.

She is someone often thought to be somewhat of a “dilettante,” (“a dabbler in the field of fine arts,” for those of you not possessing my extensive vocabulary).

Normally, as an unbiased editor, I’m not allowed to do this kind of thing; but on April Fools Day, anything goes; don’t you think?

It has often been said that I am “self-centered,” “selfish,” or “possessing no fashion sense.” (Often, this is said by the Op Ed editor, who is from New Jersey).

Here is an opportunity for me to rectify the many negative characteristics often attributed to me, Natalie, Cynic in-house dilettante.

Or rather, to compensate for them.

After all, I suppose I cannot deny that I look out for number one. Call me “self-centered” if you wish; I prefer “self-interested.”

I’ve got a hell of a time just handling myself; I really can’t be bothered with the many problems you, your friends, or starving children in third world countries are facing.

Was it not Ayn Rand who proclaimed selfishness the greatest virtue in the world?

Let’s not enter into foolish debate over the relative merits of the Objectivist philosphy touted by Ayn Rand. Waste of time. I’m using her to prove a point here; that’s all.

No need to argue. I believe that little gem can be attributed to the Cranberries. See, it’s easy to take anyone out of context and use them to your own advantage. Why don’t you try?

I digress. Okay, on to the third negative characteristic often misattributed to me: Bad fashion sense. Now, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and such, but I really find this characterization of myself grossly exaggerated. Sure I’ve been known to shop at Mandee: I’m a good bargain-hunter.

And yes, I’ve been known to wear outfits composed entirely of suede or sweat-material. I’m a visionary; just wait and everyone will be onto that trend.

Here’s the thing: Put me in a burlap sack, and I’ll still look good. That’s what it comes down to, here.

The reason other people have better fashion sense than I do is that they have to. They need to make themselves look as attractive as possible in order to compensate for the lack of good old-fashioned natural good looks nature has seen fit to bestow upon them. Me, I don’t need to try so hard.

I think a lot of myself, sure. I mean, I’m quite a catch. Not only am I gorgeous, I’m also really smart and funny. To quote the movie, Working Girl, “I’ve got a head for business and a bod for sin.” Also, I have the soul of a poet and my taste in music is unparalleled. On top of all this, my dad says I possess a natural athletic ability.

I’ll admit I am a bit clumsy and I can’t cook. There now, see, I’m not delusional, I admit I have two faults. I’m just confident. Why learn to cook when due to my rare gifts there’s sure to be enough money in my future to hire a full-time gourmet chef?

Take a tip from me and think a lot of yourself. If you get a bad grade, just tell yourself the world isn’t ready for your radical yet truthful hard-hitting ideas.

If you are ever rejected by a potential mate at a party, remember that you never really wanted the person to begin with. Rewriting history isn’t hurting anyone, folks. Of course, I base that last advice on conjecture and speculation, as I myself have never really experienced the painful sting of rejection.

So I come to the end of my little manifesto of a sort. Sure, it was pointless and you probably think I’m a conceited snob who uses her editorial position as an excuse to shamelessly promote herself.

But the important thing is, I got to put my picture in the paper.