Course Registration For Geniuses

With another semester coming to a close we are all asking the same questions: Can professors be bought, or do they have the uncompromising convictions/morals of Steven Segall in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? When will Too Legit: The MC Hammer Movie be released on video? I can read?, and What classes can I take next semester?

Luckily for you, the average college student, I have taken the time to research the more interesting classes being offered next semester, and I also found out Too Legit: The MC Hammer Movie can be ordered directly from VH1’s website.

What I could have never envisioned, was that I would uncover a very clever unofficial University policy designed to trap UVM students and drain them of their money… extremely subtle, yet extremely effective.

Once again the University though it prudent to offer CMSI 381: Stuttering, while in the same semester offering NR 185: Speaking and Listening.

Does the University think this kind of mockery is funny?

Can they not imagine a scenario involving a student intensely interested in Natural Resources, but lacking the skills

required to be successful in NR 285? Is this an honest mistake, or another one of their “games”? Could these classes be for students interested in studying stuttering? I think not.

It would seem that next semester’s academic schedule is riddled with such “mistakes”, for example:

BIOL 282: Eco Lunch is scheduled from 12:20p.m. to 1:10p.m., during our regular lunchtime. NFS 165: Management of Eating Disorders is curiously scheduled from 9:05 am to 9:55 am MWF, occupying the time period just after, or before, breakfast. POLS 149: Consent and Coercion has absolutely nothing to do with coercion and consent. Does the University want its students to fail? Are they setting us up for a very expensive fall? Do they want to rock?

In order to answer these questions, I decided to consult the “Higher Ups” in the Fogel Administration. I was initially stonewalled, and after being asked to leave at least two offices, I decided to allegedly break into Waterman, allegedly at 3:19a.m. on Halloween to find the answers I allegedly sought.

While allegedly in Waterman I allegedly got lost and allegedly had to break a window to get out. While allegedly inside I also allegedly became very bored, so I allegedly marked all the classes that I believe I should receive an automatic ‘A’ in:

MUS 001: Intro Music Listening

Anne Dudley, Billy Joel, Cliff Martinez, Elliot Goldenthal, Elton John, Ennio Morricone, Enya, Nancy Wilson, New Radicals, Nine Inch Nails, Oasis, Patrick Doyle, Buckethead. Done.

Grade: A

EC 171 & 172: Macroeconomic & Microeconomic Theory

One is large, one is small. End of a very simple story.

Grade: A

EDHI 362: The American College Student

I should have received these credits at the beginning of the year. This is ridiculous.

Grade: A

EDPE 055: Life Skills for Student Athletes

This would have been an especially easy class for me. It’s almost too bad I’m neither a student athlete, nor am I a moron.

Grade: A


Jack Bruce, Ginger Baker, and Eric Clapton…rocked!

Grade: A

ASCI 298: Horse Barn Coop

Pay very close attention:

Car Garage Boat

Goat Cow Pig

Iraq Cheney Oil

Jam Master Jay

Grade: A

ASTR 023: Astr Lab 1: Measuring the Sky

It’s very big…very big. Those were three very easy credits.

Grade: A

ASCI 298: Horses as Theraputic Riding Tools

This is in fact a lie. Horses are not theraputic. They are very stupid animals.

Grade: A

FILM 107: Film Criticism

“The Cable Guy” is misunderstood and ahead of its time. Simply put, the movie is genius. If you want to see a bad movie, watch “O Brother Where Art Thou”.

Grade: A

HON 229: Honors German

Why not? Grade: A

So even though I have failed to uncover yet another conspiracy, I will rest at ease knowing that all of these classes are “in the bag”. As for the rest of you, I can only say that the courses next semester look incredibly labor and time intensive. They will no doubt leave you sans social life. You may even have to withdraw from UVM all together. Remember to set your alarm for 6:00a.m. sharp. Good luck!