Dirty Words and Utter Rubbish

“Whoa, Man…that’s harsh stuff, Dude. I can’t wait for the Environmental Science (ENVS) kids to hear about this, because my lazy hippie ass sure isn’t going to do anything about this!” proclaimed sophomore Lawrence Pengrove in response to the soon-to-be club at UVM, The Freestyle Littering Club (VFLC).

The idea of the Freestyle Littering Club was first made public last week in the Cynic and since then has received quite a mixed response. “It’s quite perplexing, honestly,” says founder of the VFLC, Buckwheat McGinty. “The phone has been ringing so much that my roommate Joe Badwater actually smashed the damn phone with his fist! Dumbass is in the hospital now with multiple fractures!”

I got to know Buckwheat McGinty on a one-to-one level this weekend in his domicile. I finally got to meet the artist behind the painting. Donned in a brown vintage suit and a bit tired from a weekend chock-full of littering, the bald-headed man with mutton chops showed me the glorious world of Freestyle Littering. I became inspired as I sat in awe for hours watching Freestyle Littering home movies, eating Triscuits and butter and learning novice Freestyle Littering maneuvers (by the end of the day, I mastered the front side 360 underhand flamingo toss). I even got a glimpse of Buckwheat’s stockpile of litter! As I got to know him through the interview, “Spanky” explained to me that he saves all his wrappers because “[he] never knows when the urge to do some bitchin’ and/or ‘most righteous’ littering might strike.”

My favorite part of the interview was when McGinty played me some of the messages he had received during the last week about the club. My personal favorite was one in which the caller (the voice was obviously female) left the following message with “Eyes of the World” by the Grateful Dead playing in the back. “(Beep!) There’s like, nothing bong, I mean wrong, like, with like, our way of life, Buckwheat McGinwhatever! We’re like (cough), helping the environment and like (cough), happy people and like, stuff. Like, you don’t like have to like (sound of water “bubbling” in back, followed by a series of coughs), join us, but like, don’t like rip on us. Like, we’re just a bunch of like, happy people!” (Followed by male voice in background exclaiming, “Hey, man, pass that heady dank s***!”).

Another caller who McGinty identified as “Sandusky” has called a minimum of twice a day since the article hit the stand. He is so gung-ho about the club that he actually left stories on the machine about how he has defiled the environment for years to show his dedication to being part of the Freestyle Littering Club.

“Hey, Guys! It’s [‘Sandusky’] again! Guess how badass I am, guys? No, not as badass as Dave Matthews, but one time when I was camping in the Adirondacks with my uncle, we were hunting and there wasn’t any toilet paper! I really had to go, Dude, so I shot a friggin’ endangered snow owl and wiped my ass with it! I’m dedicated, man! Call me back!”

Overall, McGinty does not seem too worried about the uprising against his club. “Sure the hippies can bitch and moan and say they’re upset, but are they really going to do anything? I mean, come on! When the hell have hippies ever been productive, except in cases of getting f***** up or ‘jamming out?’

“Worst case scenario, a couple of them ‘rally,’ get some picket signs that say ‘Littering is mean’ or ‘Stop the Freestyle Littering,’ and then they march down to Fogel’s College St. house that he doesn’t even live at! The only thing I’m worried about is if we’ll be able to meet our litter quota! We’ve got work to do!”

Once again, for more information regarding the UVM Freestyle Littering Club, you may contact Buckwheat McGinty at 6-7606.