How to: Be a UVM undergraduate

Veer away from commonly accepted levels of sobriety. Heavy drinking, as well as a mild amount of experimental drug use, is generally accepted on a college campus. You will be so excited by this liberal view that you tread through your first few weeks in a drunken haze. During a literary theory class one Wednesday morning, you realize you are still drunk from the Kahlua and chocolate milk that you chugged the night before — and also have a killer stomachache — and vow to moderate your drinking habits. Cycle through this process once during your sophomore year and after your 21st birthday. Eat on-campus food for the first month thinking that it is the greatest thing ever. So many options, so many places at your fingertips. Realize that these options are on a rotating schedule, have generally the same base of deep-fried chicken fingers and become mind-numbingly bored with them as well as gain 10 pounds. Move off campus and realize that you have to pay for food with real dollars, and worst of all, cook. Regret that you ever took the gourmet dining hall foods for granted. Room with someone who is borderline crazy. At some point in your college career, you will live with someone who you will self-diagnose, with the small amount of mental health knowledge that you gained from Psyc 001, as insane. They may lay out their socks in the middle of your room to “dry” after going for run, they may tell you that their mission in college is to lose their virginity and get crabs because they thinks that it is “just so cool.” You will probably realize later that they think your newfound hipster persona and lax attitude toward general room tidiness is just as insane.   Make out with more people than you can remember. When it comes to romance during college, people generally fall into a venn diagram of dating. You will either fall into: bubble one, the undergrad who meets the love of their life in the first month of school and remains in a relationship until the inevitable post-graduation marriage; bubble two, cycle through a borderline acceptable amount of promiscuity by making out with random strangers in basement parties and 18+ nightclub dance floors; or, you will be in the center of these two bubbles, combining the best of both worlds — hopefully not simultaneously.   Overwhelm yourself with 12-hour trips to the library and three term papers all due on the same day. Do this at least once a semester. Four years of agonizing academia later, you will come out with a golden nugget of knowledge — if not thwarted by your newfound hipster apathy — that is worth roughly $200,000.   Nudity, embrace it. Whether it is the Prudent Student Calendar or the Naked Bike Ride, you become numb to nudity. You see your friend, your TA, your boss in the buff. Triumphantly finish your undergraduate career feeling confused about your life, slightly hungover and possibly with a sexually transmitted disease, but generally with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. You are ready to enter the real world, unless, of course, you are attending grad school.