Open Letters To Celebrities

Dear Inspector Arnold,

Three men walk into a bar. One of the men walks up to the bar and comes back to his two friends with three shots of tequila. They thanked him and took the shots. He then waved to the bartender and three more shot were sent over. After the fifth round of shots one of the men asked his friend how he was going to pay for the tequila. “I can’t pay for any of this. I’m not sure what I’m doing. Does anyone know what Tom Arnold is doing?” he asked. “I’m not sure, but I hope he isn’t making another movie!”

“Yeah if I see Tom Arnold around here, I would ask him politely leave,” his friend added. They all had a good long laugh. “Hey guys, what’s the best thing Tom Arnold has ever done? Roseanne!” he continued. They all agreed Tom Arnold was a fool. All three men then agreed they were in awe of his ‘wild streak’ in the early nineties.

Do you like my joke Tom? I’ve told it to everyone I know, and they think it’s funnier than McHale’s Navy, nay, funnier than your stand-up, nay, your life! You hear that Tom? That’s the sound of your career being overshadowed by a self described 34 year young, unemployed divorcee ‘Wild Child’.

You smell that Tom? That’s the smell of me burning up the stage with my presence. I’m hot Tom, red hot. You think you invented the “doing anything at anytime, say anything without thinking, marry Roseanne for the ‘fifth base’ privileges” persona? I’ve got some news for you Tom: There’s an APB out for a little something you stole called my life. Did you honestly think I wouldn’t know it when I saw it? I’m gong to give you a week to publicly denounce your image in front of the country, or else…

Go ahead Tom, ask that question: Or else what? I’ll describe my tools: one feather duster, one Dokken concert t-shirt, one poster of the movie “You can do it!: Tips for surviving life after divorce (part three of Terry Talon’s motivational film series)”, one pair of buttless chaps, a chip on my shoulder, and, a promise to air mail you a package called ‘pain’.

You tell me what you would do with those tools. Now imagine what a trained professional could do with them. Things aren’t looking too good for you right now Tom… not good at all. Tell you what, why don’t you leave the country within the month or I make good on my promise? Last chance Tom. The clock is ticking. TICK! TOCK! TICK! TOCK!

Sit on the area below the top of my head and above my neck,

Nicholas Green