My time at UVM has come and gone, but before I became one of UVM’s dearly departed, I unearthed a couple of gems, primarily of the monetary and culinary sort. However, I did not discover these precious jewels until I was a second-semester senior and I don’t want anyone else to make the same mistake. Because I don’t want this priceless information to die with me, I will now commence with the sharing.
First of all, there is always some need for money when you are in school. But not everyone has Banknorth and the distinct pleasure of physical access to the bank or even an ATM free of surcharge. Although I cannot cure the former, I can in fact thwart the latter; I am here today to tell you that there is an infinitely wise ATM directly to the right of the entrance in the UHC Fletcher Allen Building that is next to Waterman. The ATM stems from the Vermont Federal Credit Union and it does not carry a surcharge nor a $20 minimum withdrawal!
The magic ATM allows for withdrawal in increments of $10 and really solves the problem of, “Oh, crap, I only have $11 in my account and I can’t even touch it because I have to have at least twenty to take it out from an ATM! However will I feed and drug myself?” Case closed.
Should you visit God’s ATM-gift to man and come into some money, your $11-$19 can actually go a lot farther than you think. After all, in a city known for overpriced everything, there are yet a few cheapies in the food realm that even taste good.
First of all, let us for now assume that you feast on campus (I’m sorry). If that is the case, there are two rather cheap, tasty and nutritious options. The first is a bagel sandwich at Alice’s in L/L. The sandwich comes on your choice of numerous bagels with cream cheese, flavored or not for the same price, and any two vegetables of several varieties, all at the low cost of $2.25. The grub is filling, healthy and yummy. So, too, is the wrap at Cook Commons in Billings. The wrap is rising in cost but when I last attended UVM in May it ranged from the mid $4 range to the mid $5 range and came with everything. The base cost of the wrap is (or was) in the mid $4s and literally afforded one the option of unlimited veggies of a multiplicity of varieties (including beets and cabbage!) as well as steamed rice, black beans and hummus on your choice of three wraps with any of six sauces/dressings. The thing was frickin’ huge and insanely filling (always lasted two meals) and real deli-like and very healthy. A great deal. Bravo, I say, and hurrah that the powers that be had not yet realized that they were providing meal options that actually nourish the mind, body and pocketbook.
Now let us assume that you venture off campus for the love of cuisine. The first thing to note is that a sit-down meal anywhere in B-town is too expensive for words or students. Even the cheaper options need be only very occasional because “cheap” ain’t so cheap when you factor in tip, which you must include because wages in B-town suck even though the cost of living is so high.
Therefore, march directly to City Market where there is free and plentiful popcorn in circus sacks to the left of the cheese department and atop the deli counter. There is also free bread in a black box right at the end of the salad bar closest to the cash registers. In theory, I think maybe one is supposed to purchase salad in order to yoink the complimentary sandwich bookend, but whatever. A sign says “Help Yourself” and I don’t mind if I do. Which I always do. And no one has ever stopped me.
Should you venture to Price Chopper in South Burlington, you can also see your way to free bread. This bread does not come in large, full slices and it is not of terribly good quality, but it is really and truly free and encouraged and can be spread with fresh and adjacent butter. There are also a few different bread choices and I have seen a couple different butters to spread, as well, and lemme tell ya — you can abuse the privilege. I never have the balls to do so, but I have seen a lot of people linger, buttery fingers returning for eighth helpings of bread, and no reprimand in sight.
Of course, if you’re going to be doing some shopping as well as light-finger lifting, the grocery store to hit up and in which to wreak havoc is Mr. G’s in Winooski at 40 Mallets Bay Avenue. Boy howdy is Mr. G’s an awesome establishment. To think I only found out about it indirectly and recently! My gentleman friend told me after he was informed about it by Brian Pearl, insanely homophobic author of Homotopia and one-time gubernatorial candidate opposing Dean. Last year both Pearl and the boy toy were seasonal teddy bear dressers at the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory thus politics didn’t factor in but swapping tips for weathering winter and wimpy wages did. Apparently being a temporary labourer and professional homophobe doesn’t pay well, so Pearl shops exclusively at Mr. G’s and told the manpiece to do the same because for him, a sometime student, sometime modular bear assembler, the rubles ain’t flowin’ neither. But at Mr. G’s, they don’t need to because everything is dirt cheap. Sure, the price you have to pay for dirt cheap is that sometimes the goods include, well, dirt, but beggars can’t be choosers. You see, Mr. G’s is a liquidation center so it is stocked with innumerable items that came off the stores of other shelves because they were overstocked, slightly outdated and/or slightly dented. The foodstuffs and household whatnots became the staple of my existence last year. To explain just how cheap and bountiful they are, you must know that on two separate occasions last semester I did in fact go out to lunch and dinner and then in guilt and shame and debt went directly to Mr. G’s to buy groceries. Lunch ran the ladpal and I $13 and dinner ran us $24. After each of the two, the grocery bill at Mr. G’s was (I swear) $13 and $24 respectively. Are creatures greater than ourselves trying to tell us something? Only Carl Sagan’s Cosmos know for sure, but I think yes-especially because each meal eaten out rendered us full for a duration of six hours whereas the $13 and the $24 Mr. G’s purchases lasted us one month and one and a half months respectively. A-f***in-mazing.
Furthermore, my word do the items at Mr. G’s run the gamut. Take, for instance, their soymilk, of which they even have Canadian brands. For soymilk outdated just one month ago (the containers are vacuum sealed so a nuclear holocaust couldn’t disrupt the contents), one can purchase three full-sized containers of well-known brands such as Silk and Edensoy for a mere dollar. I shit you not. Soymilk is usually expensive so when you can get it in bulk for essentially no money, you must copiously buy and let your soy flag fly. On the
other end of the spectrum, you can also, mind you, buy full wheelbarrows of candy bars and, actually, wheelbarrows! All needs are met at Mr. G’s, believe you me. Shower curtains are a dollar. Sacks of lentils cost 30 cents. Mayhem ensues. You get the picture. Now get the goods.
Finally, if you are going to go out to a restaurant and you wish to end up full, nourished and not ass-broke, look no further than Stone Soup. While purchasing their buffet items will run ya a pretty penny more often than not because everything is priced according to weight, their soup is a mere $2.50 and comes with a virtual ton of a variety of bread made right in the store. I went out to lunch with a teacher in May and he bought me the soup and a sandwich, and I had to roll myself out of the restaurant after eating only the soup and bread because I was so full. I felt really bad like because I couldn’t eat the other half of my meal so I took the sandwich with me (my teacher asked, “Are you going to carry that around for the rest of the day like a trophy,” and I told him yes, I am after all a superstar but even superstars get full). I remained full, however, for the rest of the day because Stone Soup’s soup and bread is so hardy-and thrifty! And in the winter, seriously, do yourself a favour: spoon with a soup if not a sweetheart.
Anyway, I have more tricks of the trade up my sleeve but this is sort of a free sample, if you will, much like the bread at City Market and Price Chopper. The difference between their bread and mine, however, is this: Give a man a piece of their bread and he’ll eat for a day; teach him about my comprehensive loaf and he’ll eat for a college lifetime.
