April Fools: Administration attempts to clean up student body

A recent study conducted by Residential Life found that showers in Slade Hall were among the cleanest on campus. “This is misleading though, the cleanliness can be directly attributed to their almost complete lack of use,” said the spokeswoman for the Centers for Health and Wellbeing, Margaret Santiago-Stein. In a surprising move, jointly proposed by the office of Residential Life and the Centers for Health and Wellbeing, UVM has decided to crack down on unhygienic students in an attempt to clean up the greater student body.This was brought to the attention of the administration because of the numerous residents in neighboring Christie, Wright and Patterson complaining about a stench coming from Slade, that Delores McMurphy who lives in Patterson said ” [it] smells like a mixture of wet dog, patchouli and rotten tempeh.”The residents of Slade have always been known for their free-spirited nature and their complete disregard for their personal appearance. But after an extremely muddy spring last year, several chronically shoeless residents were stricken with trench foot, the first outbreak since the First World War. Begonia Festi, former Slade resident, was forced to have her left foot amputated. She has since seen the error of her ways, saying “Yeah it’s a total bummer, now it’s, you know, really hard to dance to Umphrey’s Mcgee.”To promote showering, Seamus Rodriguez of Residential Life said, “we have installed each bathroom with locally made, organic, fair-trade, phosphate-free body wash, and also shower radios playing the complete Phish live discography.” There has been a noticeable resistance though; protests broke out on the Redstone green and students held signs reading “Fight the Power, We Won’t Shower.” One activist, Dylan Zimmerman, said, “We won’t shower until Tibet is free.” The immediate results that the administration had hoped for may not occur because the Slade residents seem content being dirty and free.