April Fools: Cynical Inquirer

President Fogel delivers powerful, carefully worded speech to get out of speeding ticketIn a recent confrontation with a police officer regarding driving over the speed limit, UVM President Daniel Fogel gave a passionate speech to attempt to dissuade the officer from issuing the $50 speeding ticket.”My friend, I thank you for this tremendous opportunity to enrich my knowledge of the complexities and nuances of the legal system of this great state of Vermont that I love so dearly,” President Fogel said from behind the wheel of his car.”It is with tremendous humility that I request that you reconsider issuing this notification of required payment for what you perceive to be a violation of traffic law, for I cannot afford to add more points to my license.” The police officer stood blank-faced and confused.”I feel that your abilities as a public servant could be more efficiently utilized investigating other matters concerning our community, and focusing on actual detriments to our safety and well-being.”After listening to the president speak for nearly 20 minutes, the police officer walked back to her car and wrote out another ticket of twice the initial amount for wasting her time.UVM drug policy expands to ban Phish posters from residence hallsIn a continuing effort to expand UVM’s vision as a drug-free institution of academic integrity, the administration is now banning any and all posters of the band Phish from residence halls.”The University of Vermont is committed to maintaining an academic environment that promotes intellectual curiosity, health, safety and wellbeing,” a University official said. “The wild, free-spirited antics of this ‘Trey Anastasio’ and company work directly against some, if not all of these things.”Any student caught with any Phish CDs or paraphernalia will face appropriate judicial action.Things UVM won’t sell anymoreThe University of Vermont has changed drastically over the past few years. Campus officials have announced plans to do away with any and all remnants of the University’s former free-spirited “Groovy UV” image. Here are some items that the University will discontinue selling to rid themselves of this hippie-dippie, party hard image:-UVM shot glass-UVM beer bong-UVM bowl-UVM bong-Catamount coke mirror (credit card and $20 bill included!)-UVM rehab discount (first visit is on us!)Students demand more TVs at Brennan’s PubThe results of a recent survey issued about the amenities in the Davis Center reveal students’ overwhelming demand for more flat-screen TVs at Brennan’s Pub.”Overpriced, low-grade, diarrhea-inducing ‘food’ is something I can live with,” sophomore Taylor Bruschetz said. “But I just can’t get enough of those sweet TVs all playing the same channel, surrounding me like digital angels. More! More!”The request from students has been to triple the amount of TVs in Brennan’s so they’re all stacked on the wall in rows of at least three to further confuse patrons as to whether the establishment is a cafeteria or a Best Buy outlet.Graduating seniors forgo class gift, take something insteadBreaking from the tradition of leaving a class gift as a lasting legacy, the class of 2008 has decided to remove something of significant value from the University. “The purpose of a class gift is to leave your mark for coming generations,” one graduating senior said. “What better way to leave a legacy than to steal something large and noticeable?”After several meetings in secrecy, members of the class of 2008 have reportedly come to a final decision as to what they will be stealing from campus. Rumors have surfaced that the class has toyed with the idea of taking down the famed Catamount statue outside Royall Tyler Theatre or simply unhinging a couple of pool tables from the Davis Center. Discussions of the simple act of vandalism and destruction have also come up as a possibility.”The idea is not necessarily to take something from the school, but to leave a sign that we were here.”Freshman grows beardTo the shock and disbelief of his fellow dorm mates, freshman Gabe Cohen has grown what he is officially calling “a full fledged man-beard.””That’s right ladies, come and get it. Come get a piece of this face, this body, this beard. All 100 percent man!”Cohen described his beard as nothing to shout about, but at the same time, thick and highly noticeable.”I just can’t figure out how he did it,” Cohen’s peach-fuzzed roommate said. “It’s real. It’s all there. And it is absolutely mindblowing. There is no doubt in my mind that Gabe Cohen has passed the final test of entering manhood. If only I could be so lucky.”While intimate liaisons with the opposite sex still remain low for Cohen, he remains optimistic that with what he calls his new “face-nest,” it should be “smooth sailing from here on out.”