April Fools: The Grundel: between a rock and a tight place

Few students were shocked to discover a sign posted on the Grundel door Saturday after?noon, expressing that the Harris/Millis dining facility had been shut down by the Vermont Department of Health (VDH). The Grundel has been in violation of health regulations previously, most recently for the infamous chutney gumbo incident. However, the event that took place early on Saturday forced the VDH to take drastic measures in the interest of student health.Andy Moor, a freshman at UVM, who failed to change his meal plan to a points system earlier in the semester, was the student who sounded the alarm.”I needed to know whether or not the mold cultures in the casserole surprise were considered vegan. When I went up to the counter and there wasn’t anyone there, I just poked my head into the kitchen for a second … That’s when I saw one of the cooks stuffing a dog into the meat grinder – whole!”Witnesses agreed that had the milk in the Grundel not already been curdled, Moore’s scream certainly would have done the job. The VDH was notified immediately, owing to the fact that the agency’s number was on the Grundel’s speed-dial, right after Poison Control.Pete Tong, 36, was the first health inspector to arrive on the scene. “I’ve seen some vile, revolting kitchens in my time, but nothing as bad as the Grundel. Most of the inspectors won’t even go into the kitchen without your standard hazmat suit. The food’s no better. Some dogs eat better than this. No pun intended.”Tong had hoped that last month, when the Grundel received an even lower sanitation score than China Express during a routine health inspection, the facility would have been shamed into cleaning up its act. “We found over 72 violations, the least concerning of which was that the food from the compost was being recycled back into certain chowders,” he said. Nick Warren, a longtime employee at the Grundel, stated that the dog was destined for the Mu Shu Mystery Meat dish to be served at lunchtime. “The recipe is completely legitimate. It’s an ancient Chinese dish. The dog was even part Shih Tzu for crying out loud!” Warren said. A thorough search of the Grundle’s cookbooks yielded no such recipe, but raised additional concerns about the sulfur content of the hot dog stroganoff, according to Tong.When confronted with the statements made by Tong, Warren asserted that the Grundel and its employees were in no way responsible for the mishap.”We just do what Sodexho tells us to. So what if there’s a hair in some kid’s meal from time to time? The University has to cut cost somewhere. Fogel and his precious Davis Center . . .”The incident has piqued the ire of many on-campus student groups, including the Pre-Vet Club, who have banded together in a move to petition that the Grundel stay closed permanently. “It’s better this way,” said an anonymous sophomore. “I hear the number of gastrointestinal related emergencies at Fletcher Allen have dropped to an all time low since the Grundel closed.”