Baseball Team Announces Acquisition of Four Major Playas

The University of Vermont’s Men’s Baseball team has just signed Ken Griffey, Jr., Pedro Martinez ,Alex Rodriguez and eight-year old Dominican phenom Omar Granados to red-shirt for this season and start playing in games for 2003. The four amazing athletes were acquired in a joint effort with the UVM Afirmative Action offices to increase the cultural diversity of UVM’s athletic program. While the four players have expressed much interest in playing for the Catamounts next year, all four have made mention of the weather in Vermont and how it might “cramp” their “style”, in the parlance of our times. Griffey, who is giving up a cool $12.5 million to come play for the Cats, was perhaps the most accepting of the weather situaation. “I grew up in Pennsylvania,” Griffey told reporters at the press conference announcing his decision to join the icy Catamounts roster, “so I know what cold weather is like. I used to have to walk barefoot to and from school barefoot when I was younger, in 6 feet of snow….barefoot.” While the questionability of the statement did not escape this reporter, it was evident that Griffey was a tad “cracked-out”so to say, at the time of the interview and therefore could not be held accountable for any of his statements. Martinez, former ace hurler for the oh-so-pathetic Boston Red Sox apparently signed with the Catamounts for all-together different reasons. Martinez made $13.5 million last year and prefers to be called “Mr. Bigglesworth” by those close enough to him to care, has stated that he is coming to Vermont “in order to get away from the extremely cold winters in Boston.” When someone explained to Mr. B that Burlington is, in fact, north of Boston, Pedro answered, “Burlington?! I thought the contract said Birmingham, screw this [expletive deleted], I’ll bean your [expletive deleted]. Peace. I’m out.” Vermont’s newly procured baseball coach, Joe Torre, was shocked when told of Martinez’ statements. “If that little [expletive deleted] thinks he can sign a contract with me then re-neg like a little [expletive deleted], he’s got another [expletive deleted] thing coming. What a [expletive deleted] punk-[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted].” Needless to say, Torre was not amused. Only time will tell if Mr. B will make good on his word, and bean Joe Torre in the [expletive deleted]. The story of the acquisition of Alex Rodriguez is quite different from what one might expect. He is actually more interested in the Natural Resources program at UVM than playing baseball. He is also hoping to use some of the $21,000,000 he made last year to make UVM President Dr. Daniel Mark Fogel’s dream of building an 80,000-seat arena for the Catamount athletic program come true. Fogel isn’t sure that $21,000,000 will be enough though, since he wants to make sure there is also enough room for a Macy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King, JC Penney, Marshall’s, Sears, LSU gift shop, Hannaford’s, Chilli’s, Applebee’s (for the hometown feel), and a Piggly Wiggly (to remind him of home). Fogel stated that this project with Rodriguez will be underway as soon as his third home is built. Perhaps the most interesting story is that of eight-year old Granados who lived in the Dominican Republic all his life and only recently moved to Burlington when his parents were both offered hundreds of dollars to transfer to UVM to work on the housekeeping staff. Judith Ramaley, who became head of housekeeping in 2002 after she “stepped down” as President of UVM, has told reporters that “news of the excellent work ethic of the Granados’ had traveled far and wide,” so she snapped them right up and offered them $7,890/year to come work for her. The huge increase in salary for the couple has made them “very happy” say friends. The fact that the Granados’ couple had given birth to one of the most gifted baseball players of all time was news to the UVM community. Granados was hitting .900 on his under-12 team when he was six-years old and also pitched 421 no-hitters over a six-year span from age 2 to age 8, when he moved to Vermont with his parents. He will be studying early childhood education with a minor in Spanish, but will not be required to attend class or take any tests. All-in-all, next year looks to be very productive for the Catamounts, who’s best season was their inaugural one in 1888, when the team went 11-1 under head coach A. L. Kennedy. So be on the lookout for big performances from the four (three?) new members of Vermont Baseball and cross your fingers for yet another winning season for a Vermont athletic team.