Brenden Matthews on the Loose

A North American black bear, presumably living somewhere in the Centennial Apartments housing complex, has incensed a great deal of outrage and has caused many students to phone the UVM police department after he has exposed his genitals to university students, humped university students, and touched himself in front of them. For the past two weeks now the bear has been regularly padding through campus late at night and around dusk attacking random passerby in a “highly suggestive and confrontational manner”; he has so far evaded capture by the police though the police are very adamant and serious and determined about the bear’s arrest and prosecution. The black bear is described as “furry”, and “cuddly” by shocked witnesses and victims. He is, “somewhat large and muscular”, but, “definitely heavy . . . definitely” say police officers handling the case. The black bear has been seen on as many as five separate occasions and over fourteen people have been subjected to his revolting and criminal behavior. One elderly bystander had this to say of her run-in with the sexual miscreant: “It was horrible, that bastard chased me and then held me down while he rubbed his giant bear penis over my aging bodice.” Another survivor, sobbing violently, gave this account: “He was so furry, and sexually agressive, and hairy. You could tell he was looking for some cross-specie action and that he wasn’t going to go down to the fraternities to get it.” With East campus being his favorite haunt, UVM police have expressed their concern for the many underclassmen residing. Police Chief Harry Nocklis, “I’m a pretty big slut, so really the bear thing is kind of a turn on, but I do understand that some of our students are voicing some alarm, and I’m very willing to hear that alarm and even also very willing to pretend that we’re going to take immediate action and the necessary steps toward a safer community and a sexual offender bear-free environment, but we’re extremely busy over here as it is, as a result of our being backed up with work, and we advised the community to buy mace earlier this school year anyway so if the subject comes up to you from behind and tries to take your pants off you can spray him in the genitals, and, really, we carry guns and we shoot pretty much whoever we feel like . . . .” Deputy Rocko, a rookie in the police force, was himself molested by the bear and his family said he would not answer questions at this time but that the bear would, “face charges that the Catholic church herself couldn’t defend its own priests from, let alone a stupid bear.” These harsh words are echoed by us all who want so badly to see that bear pay for what he has done and put people through. That asshole. Our esteemed president Sam Smogel in a press conference held yesterday expressed his sympathy for the victims while reassuring the student body of the continuing functionality of the school’s bureaucracy and parking enforcement army saying, “The black bear will not deter us from our purpose, we will always be working to find new ways of extracting money from the student body, and always be implementing these ways of making kids pay for as much as we can, our resolve will not be broken by a sexualoffenderbear, or even a sexualoffenderpresident, regardless of the damning accusations!. Police Chief Harry Nocklis, “. . . so once the plan of operation is put into play, the necessary steps towards the capture of the bear will, having been planned out and activated, be working, right away, to ensure a more drug free and patriotic school where we can all go into each other rooms whenever we want and without any “warrant” or suspicion because that bear could be everywhere, and its not safe to have a north American black bear running around touching other people or himself in front of other people, unless the bear and the subject he exposes himself to are . . .” In any case the bear will soon be shot and stuffed and put in Sam Smogel’s office so they can touch each other and watch each other. Remember, the black bear likes to attack kids walking by themselves and kids walking in groups and kids taking the bus, and kids who sit in their rooms, and so the police will be looking for him in all those places and in your bags and backpacks and wallets, and you cannot tell them “no” because you don’t have the right. Public Safety, in the event of black bear sexual terrorism is not a laughing matter, so don’t laugh.