Faster Than Flipper, and Just as Deadly

With endless news coverage about the storms that are wreaking havoc on human life in the south, it is easy to overlook the animal kingdom. While residents of homes lining the coasts were displaced by weather, so were several species of marine life. One creature in particular, the dolphin, drew a lot of attention from the government after being swept out of their manmade homes. Since the Cold War, the dolphin’s ignorant nature has earned it a spot on the Navy’s list of potential recruits alongside the college student (naivetis cannibis) and poor people. Probably one of the most unassuming of American soldiers, the bottlenose dolphin, has been recognized as an effective part of maritime defense. Officials equip the mammals with toxic darts to immobilize underwater terrorists who might target military ships, drunken swimmers at spring break beach parties, or the sunken treasure from “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Their involvement in such activity has stirred up controversy among animal rights activists, especially those wearing leather Birkenstocks and eating honey, who are probably worried that the dolphins are too stupid to do the job right. After learning of dolphins being trained to detect mines at Iraqi ports, people whined until the military stopped talking about it and we haven’t heard much until now. These measures to help the animals are most likely unnecessary, because if dolphins didn’t want to get blown up, they wouldn’t. Give them some credit. Also, those mines are going off sooner or later. There’s a war going on; expect explosions. Most dolphins only live about to be about 25 years old any way. Although CNN’s website printed a story on Sept. 21 about the last of the wandering dolphins being rescued – neglecting to mention the fact that some had weapons — Guardian Unlimited ( published an article that tells of a group of armed dolphins who are still missing. Surfers, it would be wise to avoid the water. If these dolphins are as confused as everyone else about our president and his administration’s definition of the word “terrorist,” than we’re all at risk of being attacked. Unfortunately, the U.S. government is overlooking the most obvious use for the dolphin, which is oil. Exploiting the dolphin population could possibly solve the problem of rising gas prices. It is reasonable to question the loyalty that bottlenose dolphins have to the United States. For years they’ve flopped around in our nets – something we humans do, as a matter of recreation, in hammocks – while we completely misrepresented them in a television sitcom. What’s to say these involuntary service members, who are served better cuts of fish than are found in an Army cafeteria, won’t turn against the human race? They’re certainly capable. Think about the genius of the dolphin, nature’s George Bush: They’ve tricked humans into fighting for their right to live, even though they are carnivores. Please save the dolphins, so they can kill fish.