Holy Crap!! Men’s Hockey Wins A Game!!!

The Vermont Men’s Hockey Team, who went 1-78 this year, has finally made it to the NCAA Frozen Four after 113 years of hard work. In related hockey news, UVM President Daniel Fogel has announced that he has given Men’s Track the heave-ho again in order to “make ends meet” for the hockey team. “Making ends meet” includes new uniforms, all new equipment, cheerleaders, an 80,000 seat ice-rink, and University-sponsored keg-parties with open bars and an area designated solely for the elephant-walk. When commenting on the success and budget increase for his squad of skating sweethearts, UVM Hockey Coach Mike Gilligan stated, “No comment. But I will say that my boys have worked long and hard for this and have been willing to do ANYTHING for ANYONE and with ANYONE in order to make this dream come true.” The team’s one win of the season came last Saturday when the Cats traveled to Miami University of Delaware (MUD) to take on the Groundhogs and won by default because the G Hogs didn’t even show up. Fortunately, the Cats had gotten byes to get to the quarter-final game against MUD. They will now take on the Swedish National team in a semi-final game to be played at the Gutterson Field House on Wednesday April 2nd. The team is also sponsoring “wear white” day, in another effort to alienate people of color on the UVM campus. In more related news, the women’s hockey team also won a game thanks to the ingenuity of coach Mennis Diller, who’s name has been changed to protect the innocent. Diller, a 1910 UVM graduate, paid the officials in the game to call back all of the opposing team’s goals because someone’s “toe was in the crease.”