AquariusYour stars suggest a headache early in the day, which will be compounded by your annoying friend who you keep around because you’re too nice to tell them to get lost. You will feel better on Thursday after your third beer. It will be cheap beer.Pisces Remember that really cool pair of pants you saw downtown last week? Don’t buy them. They make your butt look fat. Instead, try something more casual, like some sweats.Aries Although you are stubborn in your ways, embrace change, like a hot bowl of chili. Oh wait, you’re a vegetarian; embrace it like a cold brick of tofu.TaurusA big time erroneous decision you make will bum you out for a few days, but your strong nature will prevail and you will have a great weekend where you will definitely get your “hook up of the semester.”GeminiYour totally hot major crush knows your name. But he/she thinks your haircut is stupid. Cancer Wow, I heard you were easy, but this even surpassed my expectations. Leo You will be hypnotized by the magical performing styles of Richard Dreyfuss. Beware for this can lead to many successes and pitfalls.Virgo Yea, that was a really very genuinely nice thing you did for your friend there, but don’t expect an award or anything because you’re still in the red in terms of karma. You shouldn’t have been such a jerk for all those years.Libra A conversation looms in your future where some random acquaintance just sounds like the teacher from Peanuts, but you get their number anyway and promise to hang out, which never happens. This will happen about 3 or 4 times in the upcoming weeks.Scorpio Money doesn’t grow on trees, unless you’re from New Jersey that is. Your partner may think you’re great in the sack but they also know you’ve got one hell of a stingah’!!!!Sagittarius The stars indicate that this week will be prosperous for business dealings. However, they also say the cops will be onto your game so be careful where these dealings take place, hippie.CapricornOne step forward, and two steps back, we stick together because opposites attract.” – This will be your new mantra.