The Vermont Cynic

Horoscopes

AquariusYour stars suggest a headache early in the day, which will be compounded by your annoying friend who you keep around because you’re too nice to tell them to get lost. You will feel better on Thursday after your third beer. It will be cheap beer.Pisces Remember that really cool pair of pants you saw downtown last week? Don’t buy them. They make your butt look fat. Instead, try something more casual, like some sweats.Aries Although you are stubborn in your ways, embrace change, like a hot bowl of chili. Oh wait, you’re a vegetarian; embrace it like a cold brick of tofu.TaurusA big time erroneous decision you make will bum you out for a few days, but your strong nature will prevail and you will have a great weekend where you will definitely get your “hook up of the semester.”GeminiYour totally hot major crush knows your name. But he/she thinks your haircut is stupid. Cancer Wow, I heard you were easy, but this even surpassed my expectations. Leo You will be hypnotized by the magical performing styles of Richard Dreyfuss. Beware for this can lead to many successes and pitfalls.Virgo Yea, that was a really very genuinely nice thing you did for your friend there, but don’t expect an award or anything because you’re still in the red in terms of karma. You shouldn’t have been such a jerk for all those years.Libra A conversation looms in your future where some random acquaintance just sounds like the teacher from Peanuts, but you get their number anyway and promise to hang out, which never happens. This will happen about 3 or 4 times in the upcoming weeks.Scorpio Money doesn’t grow on trees, unless you’re from New Jersey that is. Your partner may think you’re great in the sack but they also know you’ve got one hell of a stingah’!!!!Sagittarius The stars indicate that this week will be prosperous for business dealings. However, they also say the cops will be onto your game so be careful where these dealings take place, hippie.CapricornOne step forward, and two steps back, we stick together because opposites attract.” – This will be your new mantra.

Horoscopes!

AIRES MARCH 21-APRIL 19Our conversation didn’t last very long, but it hit on the right points, if you know what I mean. No, I don’t know what you mean. Fine, there was no conversation, you called my bluff…I never talked to Fogel. Are you happy now, now that I’m crying and hurt!?TAURUS APRIL 20-MAY 20No more cheese Fondu for you. You’re fat, and if you don’t lose 20lbs. now, you’ll never be pretty.GEMINI MAY 21- JUNE 21If you think about it, pain and pleasure really do go together well. Like slugs and salt, gasoline and fire, America and nukes. Hey wait! Slug and salt don’t go together!CANCER JUNE 22- JULY 22I had a great dinner last night at my frat house. Didn’t you have a party last night? We also had dinner: roofie soup followed by coke pudding, and a little non-consensual sex. What? Like you’ve never had dinner?!LEO MARCH 21- APRIL 19Q: What do you call a college girl without a boyfriend?A: UnemployedVIRGO AUG. 23- SEPT. 23Q: What do you call a college guy without a girlfriend?A: Greek.LIBRA SEPT. 23- OCT. 23The stars say luck is in your future. However that luck will be offset by all of your incurable STDs.SCORPIO OCT. 24 – NOV. 21What’s the difference between New Jersey and a rotting carcass? People will have sex with the rotting carcass before they will have sex with anyone from New Jersey.SAGITTARIUS NOV. 22- DEC. 24I really Ronalded her Reagan, and man was it good. Yeah it was real good. I’m working on getting her to let me Cheyney her Colin, Dick.CAPRICORN DEC. 22- JAN. 19So there I was, face down in a ditch again with a dead stripper next to me. Now that was a crazy Spring Break. I wish I could do 7th grade over again.AQUARIUS JAN. 20- FEB. 19Your poems are like smelly feet: delicious and eye opening, all in the same bite! Look away!PISCES FEB. 19 – MAR. 20If you’re looking for cheap sex, you should look elsewhere, because usually I never charge. Wow, now that’s the kind of cheap I’m looking for!

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