How to be a Radical

If TV has taught me anything (and it has), it’s that moderate or balanced political and social beliefs are SO last century. Anybody of any worth, a criteria to be judged by whether or not one has their own show, knows that in or-der to be intelligent and worth listening to, you must choose a side of the political spectrum and stick with it, no matter what the outcome. So here are a few simple, easy-to-use steps to becoming a radical. First, choose a party. This part is easy; you’re either a Republican or a Democrat. All you need to know about Republicans is that they are God-fearing, gay-fearing, pro-war Southerners. And all Democrats are godless, latte-loving, hippie northerners. If you’re having trouble choosing, or just want to have a little fun, try flipping a coin. Remember, it doesn’t really matter which side you choose, so long as you al-ways loudly and angrily defend your party while defiantly rejecting the platforms of the other. Second, find someone on TV who agrees with your party, and do every single thing they say. TV is great. It’s filled with smart people, with smart ideas, telling you how to be smart yourself. You can even find whole smart networks of people who think just like you! Try Fox News or CNN to start with, but don’t feel like you have to keep watching if there’s something boring on – like yet anoth-er speech by yet another guy in yet another suit. I find that MTV, E!, and even the Game Show Network can all be just as entertain-ing and informative as cable news networks, and channel surfing is fun! Third, never mix and match. You wouldn’t throw your dark laundry in with your whites, would you? Neither should you mix political views. There are no shades of grey allowed in politics. Like guns? Then you should be arguing for your constitutional guarantee to carry around that rocket-launcher you cobbled to-gether in your basement, or better yet, bring it into hospitals and amusement parks! Just like old Dubya said, “You’re either with us or against us.” Finally, always remember that there is only one side to every issue: your side. Ev-erybody who thinks differently than you (it could be 90 percent of the population) is wrong and foolish; so wrong in fact, that you don’t even need to consider their argu-ments. So don’t. I find the best arguing strategy is to sim-ply yell my opinions at the top of my lungs. Not only does that get my point across re-ally well, but it tends to drown out my op-ponent. Keep these few simple steps in mind, and you too can become the edgy, status-quo bucking radical that you’ve always aspired to be. It’s what all the cool kids are doing, right?