I Want Edwards Inside Me

Last weeks Presidential debates were no surprise. Kerry tried to sound tougher than Bush, a foolish move from most every standpoint, and Bush tried to prove how uncertain and weak Kerry is on foreign policy. Nothing new, Bush is still the crowd favorite, despite his obvious silliness. What will make a difference in this election is this week’s vice-presidential debate. While Kerry has spent the last few months trying to seem as similar to Bush as possible, Edwards has been the friendly opposition to the mean spirited and obviously bitter Dick Cheney. If the polls only shifted slightly after the presidential debate, we can expect a strong shift in public opinion once the eager and handsome Edwards rolls up his Ralph Lauren Purple Label shirt and gets down to business. Frankly, Bush is to Cheney as Dorian Gray is to his picture. While Bush can commit vile acts in pseudo-secret fashion, smiling all the time and appealing to most people, Cheney represents the reality of this current administration. Bald, fat, angry, and bigoted, even though his gay daughter made his cold black heart soften to the plight of homosexuals, Cheney is looking for blood. When people see Cheney tell other public servants to “go f*ck [themselves],” or suggests that another 9/11 would be immanent if Kerry wins, the public is turned off. Also, he bends over like the hunchback of Notre Dame. It looks like God is trying to push the old bastard into hell a few years early, and has made gravity very heavy on Cheney’s shoulders. He dismisses people, he insults his colleagues by name, and I bet his breath smells terrible. John Edwards, on the other hand, probably uses very expensive hand lotion. His thick luxurious hair is cut by a very fashionable homosexual man. And his speeches, rather than filled with personal attacks and fear-tactics, are impassioned and eloquent enough to convince a jury that Kerry is determined and does not waver when the going gets tough. When people see the difference between the two vice-presidential candidates, the polls should turn to the Democrats favor, at least until Kerry’s next speech. If you really think about it, the thought that Dick Cheney would be our president if one of the many would-be-assassins, eager to drench himself in Bush’s blood, actually succeeds, should be enough for us all to vote Democrat. Cheney would probably lead our country to the brink of destruction, with Rumsfeld grinning in the background, anxiously expecting the rapture. In contrast to the feared Cheney presidency, I would actually prefer Edwards to be president instead of Kerry. I’ve never heard him speak in depth, but like I said he’s got a really nice haircut. And when he smiles, it doesn’t look like it hurts, as it does with the waxen Kerry.