If Rambo can’t, nobody can

I am tired of politicians and citizens asking for a solution to America’s military problems. The new buzzword is “exit strategy.” Everyone is talking about how Afghanistan, Iraq, and every other country that looks at us funny (you heard me Belgium) cannot be defeated by military operations. Clearly these individuals have decided to be myopic in their understanding of military forces. Donald Rumsfield is right. We need a small, tactical unit that can go in and eliminate the enemy anywhere in the world at a moments notice. The problem with Rummy’s plan was he still thought too large. Rum Tum Tucker argues using small tactical units of special forces. I think we need to be even more minute. We need a single tactical soldier. In fact, we already have this tactical soldier, a man who has defeated America’s enemies everywhere and doesn’t need the support of the whiney U.N. Security Council. That man, John Rambo. John Rambo is the greatest American hero. He single handedly saved American POWS, stopped redneck sheriffs, and saved Afghanistan from Russia. They should deploy him again so he could eliminate the Taliban. John Rambo is the superstar of guerilla warfare. He knows more about the insurgent’s tactics then they do. Want to end North Korea’s nuclear program? Send in Rambo with a single bow, some arrows, and the North Korean version of American Idol will be on in three months (quoting a pentagon study here). And it’s not like America hasn’t sent in private military operatives to solve our problems. 20,000 private military contractors are working in Iraq right now. And, who protects Afghan President Hamid Karzai from attacks, not the few and the proud, but BlackWater security firm. Also, the United States was just caught using mercenaries to fight Islamic militias in Somalia, so I know we have the orbs to send in a one-man killing machine. The greatest part about sending in a whirling dervish of destruction is that it is perfectly legal. We can finally escape all those scandals that hamper our ability to defend freedom. The Geneva Convention does not have any explicit criminal penalties against mercenaries. In fact, Article 51 of the U.N. Charter gives nations the right to use private military operatives for self-preservation. Think of the possibilities. Rambo could end the crisis in Darfur. Even though that silly African Union (what a poser to the United Nations) has banned private military operatives, it hasn’t stopped European nations from considering using security firms like BlackWater and DynCorp (even though this company has been found to have sex and drug rings in whatever country they operate, including selling videotaped rapes on the internet) to solve internal disputes in the continent. Besides, I am only basing my theory on the documentaries that are based on the exploits of John Rambo. There might be an even more muscle-bound patriot who can go solve our quagmires with a gun, bow, or rocket launcher (but I don’t want to limit their options). There is an old saying, “war is far too important to be left to generals.” I believe that war is too important to be left to the military. If movies have taught us anything it is that the standard military soldiers are usually the extras that die within the first 45 minutes, well before the first plot twist. The only survivors are the real Americans. People like George Bush or John Rambo, men who shoot first, shoot second, shoot some more, and then maybe ask some questions. If we as a nation want to win the “War on Terror,” then we need to use the terrible tools. Rummy thinks we need a scalpel, I know we need an even smaller razor, to implement an inevitable onslaughter of pain to all of America’s enemies. Can I get an amen for justice, American style.