Lou’s News: A Not News Report by Louis Armistead

In continuing with the University’s heavy scrutiny of Greek Life on campus, the administration has now undergone an investigation as to whether or not a certain fraternity has been harvesting dragons in their basement. While this may seem to be absurd and an unnecessary use of University resources, the administration remains steadfast in its decision.”We have it on good authority that this particular fraternity has been secretly raising dragon eggs in their basement for the better part of the last three years,” re?ported one University official. “And while we have not yet found any concrete evidence of said dragons, this fraternity will be put on probation until this issue is resolved.”This investigation began back in April of 2007, when unsubstantiated rumors spread of this fraternity being the sole supplier of fire breathing heathen creatures to UVM and the larger Burlington community.As a response the University called forth a holy dragon force from New Zealand which raided the house at 3 a.m. and attempted to “slay the wretched beasts and send them back to blazing inferno from whence they came!”The administration remains resolute in their decision to call forth these expensive dragon slayers despite the costs to the budget. “The hatching of dragon eggs is something that this University can and will not tolerate!”Three members of this fraternity have been taken in by UVM police for questioning as to their involvement in the supposed “Dragon Cartel” that this fraternity has been allegedly running.Despite the fact that there is no concrete evidence that dragons were at any point remotely near this fraternity house, three brothers brought in for questioning have admitted to the holding of said dragons after having been detained from their families and friends for four days straight. “They locked us in a room for 46 hours in the dark without food!” one of the emaciated brothers said. “They ordered us to reveal the locations of the dragons or else we would never be allowed out.””Some may see our treatment of this fraternity as harsh,” one University official said. “We have made our decisions in the interest of preventing an even harsher world in which these fire-breathing cave beasts consume us all in their inferno-like dragon utopia. “Once again, while we have yet to see any dragon thus far, it is not a risk that we as a community are willing to take.”The university president also made a remark about the university’s recent actions: “We cannot stand to have the world see us as a dragon friendly University. “We stand at a unique crossroad in history. Either we stand and fight now, to rid ourselves of these wretched beasts, or lose everything that we hold dear.”While no actual dragons have yet to be found. The fraternity will not be removed from probation until 2016 on account of this accusation of harvesting eggs of mythical creatures.