Lou’s News: Global Warming Decimating Local Snowman Population

As the emission of greenhouse gasses increases and global climate continues to spiral upward, no demographic is taking it harder than the snowmen and snowwomen of our community. Snowmen across the country are left defenseless against a rising global temperature as one by one, they slowly melt away and fade from existence. A report put out by the Environmental Protection Agency shows that the life expectancy of the average snowman continues to decrease.”A snowman used to be able to last in the average American backyard for the whole winter,” one official said. “Now most of them can’t even make it past Christmas.”This downsizing of snow-population was first noticed by a 7-year-old Montpelier boy who had created what he had believed to be “the perfect snow family” in front of his garage. Much to the little boys dismay, the snow family’s limbs and remnants were scattered across the lawn in a matter of days. What was once a happy snow family was soon just a slushy pile of snow-death. There have been no reported smiles from this household ever since.But this story is just one of many from the decimated snow-communities that are now waning in the wake of massive global climate shift.”This steady rise of global temperature is ravaging them beyond repair. As they literally melt away from us, who will speak for them?” said one concerned citizenSkeptics of global warming have claimed that the diminishing snowman population is not cause for concern. “There is no documented proof that the downsizing of our nation’s snowmen is related to some sort of ‘climate shift’,” one government official stated. Instead of offering ways in which to deal with global climate change, they have suggested alternatives to snowmen. Say, kids. How about you draw a smiley face on a wooden two-by-four and drive it into the ground? That’s just as good as a snowman, right?To adjust to a soon-to-be snowman-less world, the government has even set in motions to change the lyrics to winter songs. “Don’t fret, kids. This Christmas we can all sing about our favorite wintertime character: Frosty the 2×4!” said one government officialThe EPA warns that “unless something is done soon, our snowmen will be nothing but …snow angels.”