Me Talk Pretty One Day, But That Day Is Not Today

I believe in UVM and in everything about UVM. I have noticed recently that there have been some major changes to UVM over the past year, and I would like to contribute. I want to help! Unfortunately I have very few skills and even less motivation required to be effective in helping change UVM. The one skill that I am forced to rely on to help UVM is one I have had to rely on time and time again: speech writing. I honestly believe we can clear up any misconceptions about UVM and the changes going on at UVM through a well timed, well delivered speech. Here is the speech I believe Daniel Fogel should read at the beginning of next semester: “Hello. Shut up. We would like to welcome you to UVM. Shut up. Things are changing here at UVM; it’s no longer the second-rate northern Vermont University that you’ve become used to. The Greatness is Within Our Grasp. We have a unique opportunity in the coming years. We will be expanding the University while continuing to offer less and less academically. You will no longer be able to dismiss UVM. You will no longer be able to ignore UVM. You will not be able to anticipate any changes at UVM because we will not tell you before they are made. Shut up. You will have only a vague idea of the changes being made at UVM, but I might reiterate here that the Greatness is Within Our Grasp. It might help you to think of UVM as a football team. We here in the administration are the coaches, playmakers and cheerleaders. The rest of you do have a place, though, and it is in the bleachers. However, during this time of great change and transition we will not be able to offer free admission. You will all need to pass through the turnstiles and pay a set fee to be determined later. In addition to this fee, we will also require a supplemental fee. It’s not easy improving an entire University, and we’ll need your help. Currently, UVM can not financially afford my [Fogel] salary. $260,000 is a lot of money. We have decided to cut all maintenance workers’ hourly wages by another dollar an hour. UVM will also require its maintenance workers to donate their youngest child to our new human excellence fund. The Greatness is Within Our Grasp. We will then outsource these “babies” to out of state investors. If we are unable to accomplish this, these “babies” will be added to our new food cost solution strategy. Remember: Our University, Our Responsibility. Diversity is another area we are committed to changing at UVM. We will be showcasing the new minority students we have accepted for the following years on our website, campus tours and in the magazines we distribute around campus. We will photograph them and make sure they are visible around campus while also promoting general diversity. We will accomplish general diversity by handing out promotional literature highlighting the different kinds of white people we accept here at UVM. Make no mistake-the years ahead of us will be marked by a hemorrhage-like expansion of the physical infrastructure at UVM, allowing us to exploit any and all out-of-state students. And finally, regarding our admission standards and policies: We will make a noticeable effort to recruit students from New York, New Jersey and Connecticut because they can afford the unusually high cost of tuition here at UVM. We’ll need your help to achieve these ambitious goals. We can’t do this alone, and the more of you who donate money and look the other way at our policies, procedures and decisions, the better. The Greatness is truly Within Our Grasp. Thank you for your support. Shut up.”