Syrup Source Tapped

Vermont maple syrup, a staple export of the Green Mountain State, has been found to be just as sweet and tasty across state lines, contributing to growing unrest among residents and maple syrup drinkers alike. The double blind study released by Johns Hopkins University reveals that maple syrup “is sticky and tasty in Vermont, but just as potent elsewhere in the country.”But as other states capitalized on the opportunity by building larger, more efficient syrup farms, pure Vermont maple syrup has gone down in stock – the product itself becoming increasingly rare.According to syrup sociologist Sue Reynolds, the near eradication of the commodity has elevated it to mythological status as a euphoria-inducing condiment.”It’s no joke,” Reynolds said. “I had to shoo away a sap-head from my very own backyard.”The addict apparently mistook her Aunt Jemima for “the real stuff,” she said.”Sap-heads” as they’ve been labeled by the media, are becoming a problem in Vermont. According to Police Chief Favre of the Burlington Police Department, “Triangular smuggling routes have emerged between Burlington, Boston and New York. The real issue here is the children,” he said at a press conference Monday. “A child being born into a maple syrup-using family is a child left behind.” A known Vermont syrup ring leader who wished to remain anonymous called Favre’s rhetoric “sappy” and “far from sweet” in an exclusive interview. He then took a swig from his stash and added, “IHOP for life.” In an equally disturbing development, students at UVM have been overdosing on maple syrup at a rapid pace. In what appears to be a result of peer pressure, dorms and apartments have become sites for newly-developed theme parties in which partygoerschug pure Vermont syrup from a tank – without pancakes. “I do it for the rush,” senior and sap-head Ronaldo Chip admitted. “Yeah, I see people dropping left and right from this stuff, but if they don’t got what it takes – if they can’t lap the sap – they shouldn’t talk the talk.”Later at the party, this B-Side reporter was approached by a syrup dealer who swore through his rotted teeth, “I can get you whatever you want; some extra brown, Grade A shit, 50 a liter.” He was found dead hours later.According to his friend, he had mixed “pure Vermont shit” with Log Cabin, a cheap, often dangerous syrup that dealers used to cut the potency of real sap. The new syrup problem is not vexing politicians, though. Vermont representatives have declared a state of emergency, and legislation has been introduced in Congress for a War on Condiments spending bill that would also include banning the sale of certain hot sauces in the Southwest.Samantha Palley contributed to this article.