UVM Student Has Identity Crisis After Freak Vintage Bike Accident

Dylan Spade, a freshman environmental studies and film double major was shaken after careening into the open door of a parked Subaru Outback on South Prospect Street at 2:15 p.m. Thursday.Spade was riding his vintage, teal, fixed-gear Bianchi home after class.He was vaulted three feet into the air and five feet forward onto the pavement.”The EMT said if it wasn’t for my dreads, I would have had a massive concussion,” Spade said.Fixed-gear bikes, a recent fashion and exercise trend among the young and hip, have purportedly raised bike-related accidents and fatalities by an astonishing 20 percent in Burlington in the past three years, Burlington Police Chief Matthew Mitchell said yesterday at a press conference.Spade was apparently confused by the term “fixed-gear,” thinking that it meant that his bike was not only supposed to be brakeless, but chainless as well.”Something that I had been doing was horribly wrong,” Spade said.Fixed-gear bikes began as an exercise and aesthetic movement in Rome in 1989 – around the time that the Berlin Wall fell.The aesthetic was primarily founded on simplicity; riders would strip their bikes down to their bare essentials.But Spade took this a little too far.Relatively unharmed, Spade was still able to attend the annual Slade Hall applicant initiation process, consisting of an organic dinner party and a game of ultimate frisbee afterwards at Slade Hall. But apparently Spade suffered more trauma than he had originally thought. “I don’t know what Dylan was thinking, showing up with a bottle of Knob Creek and a six-pack of PBR. That stuff is not made locally!” Jamie Clarkson said as she looked down, disapprovingly, at her crops. “I looked over at Doug and he was like ‘What is this guy doing?'”Doug claimed to be too sketched out to comment.The ultimate frisbee game further exacerbated Spade’s predicament.”I couldn’t find my Carhartt pants or my sandals made of recycled Argentine coffee tractor tires,” Spade said, “so I put on my girlfriend’s Cheap Monday jeans and this pair of knock-off high top Reebok’s in white suede, which she bought because they were knock-offs.”Doug told me that I was a terrible hippie for wearing suede, then we lost the game.”Spade’s confusion has become increasingly common in students in the past five years, according to an internal California study published last year. The study, part of a recent government effort to curb culture-based confusion by the creation of various departments, has stated that the distinction between hipster and hippy has become, “a major identity-confusion amongst males ages 16 to 25,” Nancy, the group’s director said.”It’s harder as subcultures form and break away; the cultural distinction becomes increasingly hard to make.””I told him to watch some Wes Anderson movies, straighten him out some,” Spade’s close friend, film major Pat Richardson said, “but he didn’t take my advice.”Spade has, for now, chosen to cease the chase for a “stylistic equilibrium.””I just wanted to chill out,” Spade concluded.