Why the Fiesta Bowl Will Save UVM

I sat on my couch watching the first overtime of the Fiesta Bowl National Championship game a couple of weeks ago. I was still seething that the referees thought the Ohio State receiver was interfered with in the end zone on fourth down which gave them a new set of downs and the national championship. Then my mind started to drift off to a happier and much colder place than Tempe, Arizona: Burlington , VT. I am not sure if it was the scantily clad cheerleaders with perma-smiles or the fanatic middle aged alma mater who drag their wives to these games and force them to like it, but I suddenly realized that the one and only thing that could save UVM would be the Fiesta Bowl. Scoff if you will and say, “What a stupid idea.” Think about it, it makes sense. First of all, UVM has to get the football team back. That can’t be too hard; just rename the SGA to Varsity Football and fire all staff members who will be quickly replaced with running backs, free safeties and kickers. Any and all funding that the “SGA” gets will go to travel, recruiting and a state-of-art stadium (trust me, they can afford it). Now that UVM has a great team, the professors have to do their part by automatically passing every football player and rearranging exams for tired quarterbacks. Just like at Florida State. The winning team will bring instant enthusiasm to the UVM student body which will carry over into Men’s and Women’s Soccer and Field Hockey. So now UVM has cheerleaders, a winning football team, money, a loving and harmonious community and cheerleaders, the next step is a bowl game. UVM must start small and settle for a lesser know bowl game like the Jared Who Ate Subway Subs For A Year And Lost A Ton Of Weight Bowl and then gradually move up to the Fiesta Bowl. Once UVM accepts the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl bid we can all start reaping the benefits. Tostitos will be paying hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars to UVM and ESPN will send Bob Ley to UVM for an Outside the Lines. The likes of Bill Parcells, and Dominque Wilkins will start casually hanging out at the March?? or smoking cigarettes outside Williams. Simpson Dining Hall will also revise its’ menu to include such delicacies as tortilla chip apple crisp.