I have always hated hockey. The puck moved too quickly over the ice and I got bored very quickly. The fights were cool, but few and far between. The highlights on Sportscenter were awesome though, and hell, at least it wasn’t NASCAR. But now professional hockey is gone, and in its place NASCAR has sneakily begun attracting millions of people every weekend, too drunk or filled with pork to know any better.

How has this happened? A nation of moderately educated, media-savvy, highly critical people have all- of-a-sudden embraced a sport that in all seriousness should only appeal to the illiterate and the obsessive compulsive. “Wow, the car went around in a circle again! Yay! Its gonna be so rewarding if it goes all the way around again!” As much as I love fried chicken, cigarettes, and cheap beer, I cannot slum it enough to begin enjoying NASCAR. It’s just too stupid.

How can I be expected to enjoy a bunch of cars with Wall-Mart, Winston Cigarette, and McDonald’s logos on them driving around an oval track for 500 miles? Rally Racing is off-road, and the cars literally fly through the air on big jumps. Formula 1 is so fast, and so dangerous, and the tracks are much more complicated; also, Michael Schumaker is really hot. NASCAR is a bunch of Ford’s and Chevy’s battling it out to see who can make the tightest turn 1000 times. And most of the drivers consider the “Blue Collar Comedy” guys really, really funny.

The only positive thing about NASCAR racing is the car crashes. They sure are rewarding. Then there’s pain, excitement, and intense human drama. If only it didn’t take death and maiming in order to bring any sort of real action to the scene. For my money, I think that UFC is the coolest. People literally pummel each other into unconsciousness, or break each others limbs to get a submission. It’s awesome! I once saw some guy get kicked in the head like twenty times until he was all bloody and dumbstruck. He couldn’t even talk afterwards! Now that’s a sport, that UFC. Skill, technique, blood, and large sweaty men. NASCAR is filled with racers who look like Cletus on The Simpsons.