The first time I heard of a relationship break was in the famous quote “we were on a break” from the TV show “Friends,” after Ross hooked up with someone else during his and Rachel’s break.
This has been a famous debate among fans of the show since the episode first aired in 1997. I didn’t hear much of the phrase until coming to college, where many of my friends and peers have used it when speaking about their relationship’s status.
A break is the idea that you and your partner are together but taking space—like a pause in your relationship. It usually comes with a very specific set of rules established between the two of you to make the break as healthy as possible.
My take: breaks in relationships are not real.
Before you get defensive because you and your partner are currently on a break and it’s extremely healthy, let me explain why and how I arrived at this conclusion.
There are many ways to describe a healthy relationship. According to my mom, a healthy relationship is built on a strong friendship. Your partner should be your best friend, someone you can lean on and trust.
In many ways, this and all the other online definitions are just opinions on what a healthy relationship is and they don’t always apply to everyone. However, one thing seems to be consistent through all types of sources.
Whether it be the internet, my parents or friends speaking on this topic, communication is a reoccurring point when it comes to a healthy relationship.
Communication happens in the beginning and the end of the break but seems to get lost during the break itself, which is why I believe a break is a breakup.
You are either together or you’re not. A break is an immature excuse to hook up with other people while still being able to hang onto someone you think you love.
It is scary to make the decision to break up with someone and asking for space can sometimes be necessary, but space and hooking up with other people while in an exclusive relationship are not the same thing.
Based on personal experience and friends’ stories, the people who ask for the break are just looking for an easier way to let go of their relationship or sleep with other people to figure out if they need you.
My ex and I went on a break during our relationship in high school. They initiated it, but it only lasted a week, as they took this time to realize that they did actually want to be with me.
The issue that arose was how manipulative the break became and the aftermath of it.
I feel that a relationship is a two-way street. Sometimes, one person in the relationship may need a little more emotional attention than the other, which can be seen through a relationship percentage rule.
A relationship can be 5% and 95%—one person can be putting in 5% effort while the other is putting in 95%—but it should never be 0% and 100%.
This 0/100 dynamic is what usually happens during a break, as one person usually stays fairly emotionally invested in the relationship, while the other discovers themself in their own way. This is a breakup.
I think that a relationship could even get down to a 1/99 dynamic in very serious cases, because we all have periods in our lives that honestly suck.
As soon as that number hits 0 though, there is no true relationship anymore. A 0/100 relationship is like going no-contact with someone, but only one person goes fully no-contact and the other doesn’t let go because they think they will ultimately get back together.
This happens a lot in these relationship breaks because everyone has a different definition of space and what the end of the break should look like.
My most recent ex and I decided to have a clean breakup—not just a break from each other—while she goes abroad for this reason. We wanted each other to be able to grow and figure things out individually during that time without holding each other back.
There’s a difference between giving up on a relationship and understanding what is best for the two of you, both as a couple and individually. A breakup does not always have to be someone giving up on something.
Sharing emotions and needing space is never a bad thing, but you shouldn’t lead them on a one-week or eight-month long break where you kiss or hook up with someone else, while they sit in the “what if” abyss.
So in honor of Valentine’s Day, I leave you with one piece of advice. When you make a decision, you make it for a reason. You may look back and wonder why, but in that moment you felt it was right and that is all that matters.
Don’t leave your partner on the couch this Valentine’s Day wondering about the if’s and why’s while you are “figuring yourself out.” Trust yourself and be honest, because breaks may not be real, but love can be.
