Yom Kippur is the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. It is the Jewish Day of Atonement, a day where one reflects deeply on their actions of the past year. 

The holiday is observed by fasting and abstaining from any acts of indulgence in order to focus on praying and repenting. It is an act of discipline and sacrifice on this extremely holy day. 

The idea is not only to ask God for forgiveness but also to make amends with those in your life that you have wronged. 

I was raised Jewish in an extremely Catholic town. I got swept up in pushing my Judaism to the side with every picture day that was on Rosh Hashanah or cross country meet that was on Yom Kippur. 

I’ve had trouble giving my Judaism the space I desperately want it to have in my life. When I was younger I would attend services on all the High Holidays, but over the years, my attendance has dwindled.   

This year, I’m observing Yom Kippur by attending a Kol Nidre service and allocating time to look inward. I’ll also write letters and notes, sending them if applicable. 

The way I observe Yom Kippur may not seem proper or righteous to many. I’m still figuring out how to best connect religious practices with my inner spirit. 

As I reflect on my year, I think of the ways I hurt others, the times I could have committed more to my relationships and moments where I judged others instead of practicing acceptance. 

I also think of the thousands of times I have already said sorry.

Sorry for running late. Sorry for sneezing. Sorry for dropping an ice cube, which shattered as it hit the floor. 

Apologizing for laughing at something. Apologizing for not getting the joke.  

Little apologies filled my year and, honestly, my life thus far. I can’t help the reflex of ejecting sorries, tagging them on before all my sentences. 

My life has been filled with apologizing for holding a different value, for expressing a different belief. Honestly, I apologize for minor inconveniences and things that are completely out of my control. 

Some people say “slay” or “like” as a filler word; I say “sorry.”  

When my friends tell me to stop saying “sorry” so much, I turn around and apologize for my overuse of the word. Ironic, I know. 

I’ve heard the more you apologize, the less sincere you appear. With each apology, I show others that I don’t truly respect my worthiness and I chip away at the respect that I have for myself.

I don’t apologize because I feel deep remorse or because I legitimately hurt others. I apologize because it feels like an easy way to show people I care and to let them know I’m not completely emotionless when it comes to a minor mistake. 

I flinch when I inconvenience someone or forget to do something they ask me too. I could just say “whoops, my bad.” 

There are reasonable times to apologize and times it is unnecessary.

Yom Kippur is about reflecting on and releasing those wrongdoings that are against my character—things that deeply affected others and remain cemented in my thoughts. 

The act of reflecting and apologizing from the heart is what makes us human. Hurting others without the true intention to do so is also completely human. 

Being human also means making mistakes, big and small. Small mistakes don’t diminish your character or require a huge apology. 

I also need to realize that some of the things that I am apologizing for are entirely out of my control. 

I have no control over the store not having the chocolate covered pretzels, so no need for apologizing. My laundry not being finished yet is not something to be remorseful over. 

They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. 

In that case, it may take me until November to not insert sorry at the end of countless sentences. But I’ll truly think over whether or not I should be apologetic for a certain action or circumstance.

I’m sorry to myself for not breaking this pattern sooner. Just kidding, I’m not sorry at all.  

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