The Vermont Cynic

Tips for coping with finals week

EMMA PINEZICH

Henry Mitchell

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Whether this is your first semester at UVM or you are a seasoned veteran, one thing is certain during this finals season: You’re screwed.

Since you’re probably procrastinating like the irresponsible student you are, I’ll help you out with these tips:

1: Free your mind.

Creativity is your body’s way of trying to find something more interesting to do than studying. The more pent-up creativity you have, the more difficult it becomes to prepare for finals week.

To counteract this, consider starting that novel you’ve always wanted to write, taking up interpretive dance or learning how to spelunk.

Then, when your anxiety finally overwhelms you, you’ll have the necessary skills to navigate cave systems and become a hermit.

Or really, just come up with a bunch of reasons why you can’t study right now.

2: Be as relatable as possible.

Remember, the first rule of finals week is that no one is ever prepared. Use this knowledge to connect with other UVM students.

Phrases such as “Man, bio is gonna suck,” “I need a 95 to pass” and “God, I fucking hate my life right now” will not only earn you the admiration of your peers, but also expand your social network. These benefits might not help you pass your finals, but let’s face it, they’ll help you far more than a B in Calc 2 ever will.

3: Blame the professor.

As a poor, innocent college student with no real-world experience, you can’t possibly be expected to go to all your classes, right?

Right.

Therefore, your professor should have to make up for your shortcomings. They should be grateful you are willing to do your last homework in exchange for a B+.

Seriously, you pay their salary and deserve a little respect.

4: Don’t be afraid to break norms.

People expect you to form study groups or cram the night before to pass your exams.

Boooooooring.

Instead, spend your time not-studying to find loopholes in UVM’s testing policies.

While you can’t always bring the answers into the testing area, no one said you couldn’t have a friend scream different formulas from outside the building.

Cramming is often ineffective and time-consuming, whereas brainwashing works instantly and can be done for any subject, resulting in better test results.

A tip for life: don’t work harder…

Work intelligenter.

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Tips for coping with finals week