The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

The satirical view: Cynic headlines to watch out for this semester

Henry Mitchell May 13, 2019

“Fraternity vows not to screw up like last time, again” “Business majors have it good for too long” “Administration unable to eliminate cannabis from campus” “UVM receives funding...

How to get your own cannabis as a college student

How to get your own cannabis as a college student

Henry Mitchell April 20, 2019

The 4/20 Redstone Campus smoke-out is a long-lasting tradition passed down from class to class. It’s an important symbol of UVM culture where students from all backgrounds unite in sharing the joy of...

Henry’s final exams guide

Henry’s final exams guide

Henry Mitchell December 9, 2018

This has been a year of change and hope, where we finally learned to take matters into our own hands through sheer effort and dedication. So you’re all set for finals week and totally don’t need my...

How ResLife is violating our human rights

How ResLife is violating our human rights

Mills Sparksman October 4, 2018

Warning: This piece is satire! This year, I was assigned to a triple on Redstone campus. It was all that was left by the time I had a chance to select my room, and I was immediately disappointed by the...

Try VT’s new locally grown fusion politics

Try VT’s new locally grown fusion politics

Henry Mitchell August 30, 2018

Let me introduce our brand-new invention: Progressivism Lite! Progressivism Lite is compatible with any Democratic candidate and requires minimal setup. Call out Trump, choose...

Tips for coping with finals week

Tips for coping with finals week

Henry Mitchell May 6, 2018

Whether this is your first semester at UVM or you are a seasoned veteran, one thing is certain during this finals season: You’re screwed. Since you’re probably procrastinating like the irresponsible...

Shots fired at absurd proposal

Shots fired at absurd proposal

Henry Mitchell March 29, 2018

It’s 2019, President Trump has successfully supplied firearms to the 20 percent of “highly trained” school teachers to protect students against crazy, armed lunatics. One in every five K-12 teachers...

Letter from elected official

Henry Mitchell March 6, 2018

Dear Cherished Constituents, It is I, your humble elected official. As you may or may not know, it’s currently an election year. That means that I, as well as many other humble elected officials,...

A stream of consciousness regarding today’s politics

A stream of consciousness regarding today’s politics

Henry Mitchell January 27, 2018

Ha! Trump called himself a “very stable genius” who is “like, really smart” on his twitter Jan. 6. What an egomaniac; he is totally not qualified to be president. Lemme just tweet at him the excerpt...

How to succeed in final exams without really trying

How to succeed in final exams without really trying

Henry Mitchell December 8, 2017

Finals are back again, and you’re going to need every bit of help if you want to remain a respected finals-procrastinator. That’s why I’m here to get you through your exams with these five easy...

Natural disasters: God vs. scientific proof

Natural disasters: God vs. scientific proof

Piper Townsend September 28, 2017

Obviously, natural disasters are going to kill us all. God is clearly angry at the American people for their actions (I mean, Hillary Clinton is a lizard person and she was almost the leader of...

A public threat: phantom flush

A public threat: phantom flush

Ariana Arden February 2, 2017

Over the years, many threats to our lives have been labeled public enemy number one: alcohol, drugs, inner-city crime, Hawaiian shirts — but today I’d like to talk to you about the new and...

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