The Vermont Cynic

How to get your own cannabis as a college student

How to get your own cannabis as a college student

Henry Mitchell

April 20, 2019


Filed under Opinion

The 4/20 Redstone Campus smoke-out is a long-lasting tradition passed down from class to class. It’s an important symbol of UVM culture where students from all backgrounds unite in sharing the joy of cannabis in public, in broad daylight. Many participate every year, but some linger on the sidelines, g...

Henry’s final exams guide

Henry’s final exams guide

Henry Mitchell

December 9, 2018


Filed under Opinion

This has been a year of change and hope, where we finally learned to take matters into our own hands through sheer effort and dedication. So you’re all set for finals week and totally don’t need my assistance. Ah shucks, who am I kidding … I’ll help you out again. 1: Extortion. Professors hav...

How ResLife is violating our human rights

How ResLife is violating our human rights

Mills Sparksman

October 4, 2018


Filed under Opinion

Warning: This piece is satire! This year, I was assigned to a triple on Redstone campus. It was all that was left by the time I had a chance to select my room, and I was immediately disappointed by the outcome. Having lived in Davis hall for approximately a month, I can now conclude that living in...

Try VT’s new locally grown fusion politics

Try VT’s new locally grown fusion politics

Henry Mitchell

August 30, 2018


Filed under Opinion

Let me introduce our brand-new invention: Progressivism Lite! Progressivism Lite is compatible with any Democratic candidate and requires minimal setup. Call out Trump, choose between being pro-LGBT or standing up for people of color and you’re good to go. Everyone will...

Tips for coping with finals week

Tips for coping with finals week

Henry Mitchell

May 6, 2018


Filed under Opinion

Whether this is your first semester at UVM or you are a seasoned veteran, one thing is certain during this finals season: You’re screwed. Since you’re probably procrastinating like the irresponsible student you are, I’ll help you out with these tips: 1: Free your mind. Creativity is your body’s way ...

Shots fired at absurd proposal

Shots fired at absurd proposal

Henry Mitchell

March 29, 2018


Filed under Opinion

It’s 2019, President Trump has successfully supplied firearms to the 20 percent of “highly trained” school teachers to protect students against crazy, armed lunatics. One in every five K-12 teachers have been thoroughly trained to use a wide variety of firearms to deal with multiple types of ...

Letter from elected official

Henry Mitchell

March 6, 2018


Filed under Opinion

Dear Cherished Constituents, It is I, your humble elected official. As you may or may not know, it’s currently an election year. That means that I, as well as many other humble elected officials, have to run for office to maintain our current positions. This is quite stressful for us and o...

A stream of consciousness regarding today’s politics

A stream of consciousness regarding today’s politics

Henry Mitchell

January 27, 2018


Filed under Opinion

Ha! Trump called himself a “very stable genius” who is “like, really smart” on his twitter Jan. 6. What an egomaniac; he is totally not qualified to be president. Lemme just tweet at him the excerpt of “Fire and Fury” that says he eats cheeseburgers in bed. Now he will look stupid on Twi...

How to succeed in final exams without really trying

How to succeed in final exams without really trying

Henry Mitchell

December 8, 2017


Filed under Opinion

Finals are back again, and you’re going to need every bit of help if you want to remain a respected finals-procrastinator. That’s why I’m here to get you through your exams with these five easy tips: 1: Be a smart individual. Studies have found a direct correlation between intelligence and succ...

Natural disasters: God vs. scientific proof

Natural disasters: God vs. scientific proof

Piper Townsend

September 28, 2017


Filed under Opinion

Obviously, natural disasters are going to kill us all. God is clearly angry at the American people for their actions (I mean, Hillary Clinton is a lizard person and she was almost the leader of the free world). As actor Kirk Cameron said, natural disasters are “a spectacular display of G...

A public threat: phantom flush

A public threat: phantom flush

Ariana Arden

February 2, 2017


Filed under Opinion

Over the years, many threats to our lives have been labeled public enemy number one: alcohol, drugs, inner-city crime, Hawaiian shirts — but today I’d like to talk to you about the new and true public enemy number one, America needs to be concerned with: automatic flush toilets. We’ve...

UVM diversity training tackles Midwestern mentality

UVM diversity training tackles Midwestern mentality

December 8, 2016


Filed under Opinion

On Sunday, the University held its first annual diversity training specifically focused on white, midwestern American cultural differences by bringing a team of 10 professional traveling lecturers. Training took place in the Davis Center Grand Maple Ballroom, Billings Library and several small...

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