Henry’s final exams guide

Henry Mitchell

This has been a year of change and hope, where we finally learned to take matters into our own hands through sheer effort and dedication.

So you’re all set for finals week and totally don’t need my assistance.

Ah shucks, who am I kidding … I’ll help you out again.

1: Extortion. Professors have mutated over the past few years and are now more resistant to sympathy-based attacks such as pity and guilt.

Gone are the days when you could just start bawling over your poor grade in your professor’s office, which would result in an automatic A for effort.

Take control of your life by reminding them about their bi-annual evaluations and Rate My Professor scores.

As a college student, you have about as much power as a depleted battery.

Making use of the few advantages you have is the only way to hold professors accountable.

Besides, receiving gleaming course evaluations makes the small price of lenient grading seem definitely worth it.

2: Asking your parents for help. I’m not saying that you spend all your time at college having fun and forgetting about your family back home, but there’s certainly no harm in checking in every once in a while.

When you have a paper due for an easy course, going over it with your parents isn’t really a big deal. In fact, they might as well go over all your papers.

However, doing it together takes too long and could create conflict.

I suggest that they put in the relevant information in neat and structured writing with documentation and all, then you touch it up with your name and submit it.

Perfect. What great family bonding time.

3: Joining the Wellness Environment. As they say, “a healthy mind is a healthy body.”

Or something like that, I’m sure one of their posters must’ve said it.

At UVM, we have extremely well-funded learning communities that could surely accommodate our entire student population and show us the way toward healthy living.

In fact, we should just expand the Wellness Environment to the rest of UVM to ensure that we all live up to our full potential as human beings.

Our monolith, which is a uniform and indivisible social structure, will triumph over finals week like no college ever has, receiving the highest grades known to all mankind.

At the University of Vellness M-vironment.

4: Unlocking your hidden potential. If all else fails, then surely it can no longer be your fault, but rather a larger force holding you back.

Some force that allows some students to roam free with a 4.0 GPA while others suffocate under their shameful 2.0s.

Clearly this is because some students have thoughtfully purchased healing stones.

I understand that many might be unwilling to spend what little money they have on fancy pebbles, but sacrifices must be made for the life-changing powers of tourmalinated quartz!

Unlike studying, which relies on searching through untrustworthy external sources for answers, healing stones are great because they work all by themselves and let the answers come to you.

With all these amazing tips, I’m sure you’ll rock your exams.