The Vermont Cynic

How to succeed in final exams without really trying

Henry Mitchell

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Finals are back again, and you’re going to need every bit of help if you want to remain a respected finals-procrastinator.

That’s why I’m here to get you through your exams with these five easy tips:

1: Be a smart individual. Studies have found a direct correlation between intelligence and successfully procrastinating studying for finals.

So make sure that you have an IQ of at least 140 before you try to pass your classes with minimal effort.

If for some reason you find yourself just a few IQ points short of genius-level, try adopting a revolutionary ideology to mask your ignorance.

2: Be vocal. While some people may argue that attempting to wing your finals is an act of desperation, it is in fact a display of confidence, adaptability and willpower.

No one spends the night before finals cramming just to keep it to themselves; go brag about it!

Make sure all your friends know how difficult it was to put off studying until the last minute, only to work for 24 hours straight just to get a passing grade on your intro-level course.

3: Don’t start too early. Many beginners decide to start studying a couple nights before finals week to ease the workload.

Big mistake! Starting early signals to others that you have no social life and you feel insecure about passing the semester.

To acquire the proper look, start cramming no earlier than the night before your first final at 9 p.m.

That way, you can still spend most of the day informing your friends how “you’re just gonna wing it” to make them hate you, yet still admire your inhuman abilities.

4: Drink coffee. Another unfortunate error commonly seen around this time of year is the consumption of beverages that aren’t coffee.

Coffee perfectly blends the image of “overworked student” with “classy individual.”

Energy drinks may provide more caffeine or sugar, but the aluminum cans totally disrupt the appearance of genius.

Tea might have the correct amount of sophistication, but it lacks the sense of urgency that is associated with finals.

Coffee, fulfilling all these requisites, should therefore be your beverage of choice.

5: Actually pass your exams. Winging your finals only to fail your class is simply embarrassing and makes you look like a slacker rather than a crafty student exploiting the system.

You don’t need to get an A, because that would make you a nerd. A simple C+ gets the job done.

Remember, it’s not what you learned that matters, but how smart you were to begin with.

Good luck!

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How to succeed in final exams without really trying