Letter from elected official

Henry Mitchell

Dear Cherished Constituents,

It is I, your humble elected official.

As you may or may not know, it’s currently an election year.

That means that I, as well as many other humble elected officials, have to run for office to maintain our current positions.

This is quite stressful for us and often leads us to not make all the decisions our constituents desire.

Such decisions may include, but are not limited to: DACA, firearm background checks, our failing infrastructure, Russian interference in our elections, potential conflicts of interest in Congress or the White House, constant attacks on our free press, the omnipotent monopolies that control every industry in our country, globalization eliminating huge portions of our job market, global warming and the concept of pineapple on pizza.

We bear in mind that not making said decisions may result in our cherished constituents’ disapproval and may lead them to vote for another candidate come election day.

Fortunately, however, just like we are afraid of making controversial decisions that could lose us the backing of our precious — but not as precious as you —  donors, you are also afraid of committing yourself to new candidates.

You don’t really know as much about them; they might have conflicts of interest or lack the experience required for the job.

Surely they don’t have as many valuable connections as I, your humble elected official, do.

And there’s no telling how detrimental it would be to your favored political party should one of their proposed policies fail.

These are all scary thoughts, which is why you’re better off with the status quo.

Let me simply list all my political achievements, no matter how insignificant or mundane, to show some semblance of competency.

Let me smile at the camera and laugh at the prospect of competition, as I answer every question with complete confidence that I will win without a hitch.

Let me introduce doubt in your mind about the candidate who seems to want real change. That, in fact, they are really a radical socialist extremist who will create a welfare state and doom us all.

Let me say “jobs” so many times, that it no longer seems like a real word, but merely a noise that politicians make to attract voters during mating — I mean election season.

It’s very easy, trust me.

As the saying goes, “give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll vote for a candidate he actually likes.”