Things weren’t going so well in the sex department, and I was climbing the damn walls.So I turned to the Internet, that scary place filled with scarier websites all promising to deliver what I needed in an unmarked box, which would discreetly be sent to me in two to three weeks. Weeks? Really? Dear God. So, I did the unimaginable — at least for me — and got in the car, plugged in an unfamiliar address to the GPS, took a deep breath and drove to the sex paraphernalia shop.Upon pulling up to the tainted establishment, I had a moment of panic. What if this turned out to be an awful experience? What if there were men in there — men old enough to be my father? How could I possibly shop for what I thought I needed in front of men? I took another deep breath and mustered some courage.I entered through the side door and was greeted, to my absolute horror, by the woman who rings up my Cheerios at the market. “Fancy meeting you here!” she chirped.I smiled and ducked behind a display of what appeared to be condoms designed for baseball bats. “Ok,” I told myself. “You know what you are here for; no browsing. Get in, get out.”I started to peruse the shelves and was captivated by the array of products with various colors, sizes, shapes and flavors available. I had no idea there were so many people in my boat; it was oddly comforting.Then I saw it. That piece of equipment which had been told to me in hushed whispers by my closest of friends — that toy that women around our nation have hailed as a miracle: The Rabbit.For those of you who are unaware, The Rabbit is a toy with dual functions of vibration and penetration. It is an amazing piece of technology which has, at least with my friends, a reputation unparalleled by anything else, and since there are so many who imitate it, finding The Rabbit is a test of discerning authenticity. Fortunately, I had done my research beforehand so I knew which was genuine. Holy sticker shock: It was nearly $90! As if I didn’t feel uncomfortable already, the saleswoman insisted upon demonstrating the device’s multiple functions, optional settings and horsepower — yes, that’s right, horsepower. I was mortified. The woman in line behind me quipped, “Wow, the real Rabbit? Somebody must have gotten a bonus!”I thanked the saleswoman and ran to the car with my booty. It was terrifying, but I made it. All that was left was to give the device a test-drive. So far, no complaints here.
