UVM Sells Its Soul To Beer

Starting April 20, 2003, better known as 4/20/03, The University of Vermont will be sponsored by Anheuser-Busch, better known for being the world’s largest beer maker.

“We here in the administration thought, what the f***, the kids already drink it, why not have them sponsor us,” said President Daniel Fogel from the steps of the Bud Light Waterman Building.

The St. Louis-based company will be given exclusive rights to all the vending machines and have advertising rights on campus.

The first reported changes will be the names of all the buildings on campus.

The library will no longer be the Bailey Howe Library-it will be the Anheuser Busch Library.

Big changes are also on the way for Old Mill, which will now be called the Old Mill Brewery, when a 30,000 sq. ft. addition is added to the basement which will become a brewery that will produce Old Mill Beer.

This is Anheuser Busch’s newest brew and it will be sold at UVM for $7 a 30-rack for UVM students only, with valid UVM ID (if you don’t have an ID, stop by the Bud Ice Catcard Service center).

The first cases of the brew should be ready by the start of the fall semester of 2003.

The Old Mill Beer will be sold in a green and cold can emblazoned with a Catamount. The beer is slated for nationwide distribution starting in Jan., 2004.

As part of the agreement between Anheuser-Busch and UVM, we will be receiving 6% of every product sold in Chittenden county, 4% of every product sold in Vermont and 1% of every product sold in the rest of the world.

We will also be receiving 45% of the money made by Old Mill Beer and we will own 43% of the stock.

The new brewery will add roughly 150 jobs as well as 20 work-study openings.

“This is a great day for the entire community of UVM,” said Fogel, who was wearing a Bacardi Silver tie.

Not everybody in the community is happy about this sponsorship, though.

Apparently, while brokering the deal, local marijuana dealers (the Marijuana Dealers Consortium of Chittenden County, a.k.a. MDCCC) wanted a piece of the action.

A dealer who asked not to be named said, “We know UVM smokes more pot than any place in the country.

“I think a marijuana sponsorship would be much more appropriate than that horse piss of a drink that got the sponsorship.”

The Billings Student Center will now be the Budweiser Student center, and will be torn down and replaced in the next two years.

Included in the new student center will be a bottling plant capable of bottling about 40,000 bottles of Old Mill a day.

The O’Doul’s (formerly Harris-Millis) and Natural Light (formerly Simpson) cafeterias will have all of our fine beers on draft and in bottles, and will be included in the meal plan.

“I like the idea, but they’re just going to jack the price of the beer way up like they do everything else,” said concerned sophomore Lauren Carlson.

Not so true, according to Anheuser-Busch CEO Jack Donaldson.

Donaldson said that, “…in a special clause in the agreement, Sodexho cannot raise the prices of Anheuser-Busch products like they do everything else that comes into their grubby little paws.”

Look for all dorms to have a name change and to include vending machines that sell both bottles and cans of our favorite Anheuser-Busch products.

Additionally, each RA will be given a case of beer per side of the hall each week.

The type of beer will be rotated through the large product line the Anheuser-Busch has to offer.

Of course, the RAs will be expected to ID everybody on the hall.

But if there happens to be a 21st birthday on the hall during they year, a free keg of any type of beer will be donated to the hall by the generous people at Anheuser-Busch.

Harris Millis will be an all-freshmen, under-21 dorm renamed O’Doul’s, for the non-alcoholic beer that has become so popular.

“This is the bitchin’est thing ever,” said admitted high school senior Amanda Hugenkiss.

“I can’t wait to start school here next year; I just found out that I’m living in room 313 O’Doul’s.

“I can’t f****** wait.”

Concerned parents, don’t be worried-your child’s tuition will drop from $30,000 for out of state students to the same price as in-state students.

Sorry, Vermont residents, this newest sponsorship will not decrease your tuition.

According to an unnamed source in the President’s office (I wouldn’t trust that secretary Dan), there is a deal in the works to cater to the MDCCC and bring down the price of tuition for Vermont residents.

There is, apparently, also an effort in the works to revitalize the University’s farm.

Details will be available in the coming weeks.