I have never been in a relationship. 

However, I have seen my friends get in and out of relationships over the years, giving me a unique third-person perspective on this.

I have a friend: “Vape Girl.” During our senior year of high school, Vape Girl turned 18 and got Tinder. She met this guy, “Cartel Guy,” and was really excited about him.

Cartel Guy was 24. 

Cartel Guy had his own apartment, a real job and was still attracted to a high schooler and wanted to hang out with her. We thought this was cool at the time.

Vape Girl would sleepover at my house, sneak off to see Cartel Guy, then come back in the wee hours of the morning. I agreed to keep this secret—she was my best friend, after all. I had to follow girl code.

Over time, I watched her become more attached to this man. Her mood depended on how their relationship was going.

He seemed to be the cause of a slew of new problems in her life and, indirectly, mine. 

She refused to stop seeing him, despite my concerns. Her family also disapproved of the relationship. I felt pressured to keep supporting her due to our closeness.

I didn’t want to make my best friend upset, but this relationship caused me immense stress.

Going forward, I realized how uncomfortable it is to be in this position: a confidante and potential whistleblower. 

Jump forward to my first year of college. Another one of my closest friends, “Art Mom,” started hooking up with a guy, “Brooklyn Wannabe.” I met him on several occasions and I disliked him from the start.

Art Mom knew I disliked Brooklyn Wannabe—I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. We’d occasionally bicker about this, but nothing ever came of it. 

They became what I like to call a “strobe light” relationship. Every few months they would break up and then a few months later, they would get back together. This ensued for almost four years.

I got to know a very different side of Brooklyn Wannabe during those “off-seasons.” Art Mom would be able to tell me more details about fights they had, nights out after she went home with him and everything in between. 

These off-season confessionals invigorated my dislike for Brooklyn Wannabe.

There came a point when I had to tap out; I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had expressed my concerns over Brooklyn Wannabe time and time again, and yet Art Mom would go back to him time and time again. 

My experience with Vape Girl and Cartel Guy helped prepare me for this situation.

While this definitely caused a rift in our relationship for a time, I knew it had to be done. I had to set a boundary for myself and for Art Mom. 

I tried my best to weather the storm with my friends, but I could only handle so much. I had a life of my own which I realized I had been paying less attention to as a result. Their romantic relationships had consumed me with them. 

If they’re a true friend, they will understand and forgive: Both Vape Girl and Art Mom eventually forgave me. 

Watching your friends in a toxic relationship is difficult, especially if they seem to be happy. You can choose to be there for them, or not. You are not a part of your friend’s relationship.

At the end of the day, if you’ve voiced your concerns and your friend has not listened to you, that is the time where you take a step back and let them figure it out.