UVM Students Rally, War Is Stopped

To the Editor:

I just wanted to express my friends’ and my elation regarding the recent global turn of events wholly prompted by UVM students. “Who knew, man? I just came out here as an excuse to cut class and drink some beers and maybe make fun of some hippies,” comments a first-year who wishes to be unnamed. “I think it’s really great, though, man, you know, 150 people cut their two classes on a couple of random Wednesdays in a small city in Vermont to stand out in the cold for an hour to protest, President Bush hears about it and decides to have no more war! RAD!”

After ignoring the UN’s great disapproval for war and pretty much the popular opinion of the world, President George W. Bush decided late last this past Friday night, after a string of anti-war events at UVM, that he should back off of attacking Iraq. “Wow, that’s all I have to say-WOW,” commented Bush on UVM’s day of anti-war. “Sure, more than 10 million gathered around the world on Feb. 15, sure, the UN said I “probably” shouldn’t go to war, but hell, less than one-fiftieth of the UVM student body shows up for a couple of hour-long rallies outside! Not to mention a day where a couple of the students cut class to play hacky-sack and bang bongos and sing that “Kumbayaa” or whatever song! That takes balls! What a punch in the face! Maybe those hippies are right and I should start dropping acid and not bombs.”

“Yeah, it just came out of nowhere,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “One minute he was playing Halo, pretending the aliens were Saddam, but now he’s deep in his chambers playing an intense game of Guess Who? with his father, talking about no more war with Iraq. Honestly, I think it’s a bunch of fruity business that’s going to lead up to no good if you ask me. Plus, he’s also been refusing my help in the game of Guess Who?. I keep telling him to ask if the other player’s character is a girl, and he won’t do it. I think I might deck him in the face again and tell people he choked on a pretzel.”

One student was found the morning after one of the rallies in front of the Royall Tyler Theatre. When asked to comment on the war, the student didn’t really seem to know what day or month it was. The student’s only reply was, “I dunno, man, I’ve just kind of been sleeping here for awhile; you got five bucks for a sandwich?” Currently, a great majority of Bush’s staff is questioning the president’s new decision and is currently checking with Bush’s “teenage narcotics advisors” to see if he has been under the influence of any mind altering drugs in the last week, month or, possibly, years.

“Crack…that’s all I gotta say,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell. “I knew he liked the rock, especially when he watches Spongebob Squaredance or whatever, but hell, he might even be on a smack binge if he called off the war. I can’t think of any other reason why George would call off the war because a couple of college students rallied in the middle of nowhere, except for the fact that our president was heavily under the influence of crack, and possibly several other drugs at the same time. I wouldn’t doubt it if he’s been drinking heavily, either; you know how Texans get. But anywho, I really can’t tell if he’s on or off drugs anymore. We all used to make a game out of it. It was called, ‘How many drugs is George on today?'” Powell then added that maybe the American Government needs to take a hiatus for a couple of months to a warm location, possibly Hawaii, give it some time to feel things out and maybe sip some mai tais.

Currently, UVM students are planning a Pro-Bush rally now to take place in DC somewhere around the White House in the coming months. “Sure, we USED to be against him when he was pro-war, but now that he’s not, I guess he’s really not that BAD of a guy,” replied a junior. “Sure, he didn’t really win the election and has screwed up a bunch of other stuff, but hell, if he doesn’t want war, I’ll party with him. Besides, this anti-war protesting is getting lame. I think we’re going to move onto protecting wheatgrass fields next week. I’ve already got a good chant for this one, too. It goes ‘What do we want? Our grass! When do we want it? NOW!’ Sure, it’s a slight adaptation off of ‘What do we want? Peace! When do we want it? NOW!’ But whatever, man, it’s all in the message or something like that.”

Over and above all, the highlight of all of UVM’s anti-war efforts occurred when first-year Joshua Seitz received his wish of World Peace made on March 24 after finding a wishbone in his chicken breast at Harris Millis Dining Hall. Seitz defeated sophomore Eric Evans in a wishbone contest which soon followed the discovery of the wishbone. Evans had merely wished for the ability to beat the game Halo for Xbox on Legendary Mode.

Kyle Jongerden
Class of 2006