Editor’s note: Some content of this column has been removed and the column has been updated at 1:18pm Oct. 1. 

Since entering the semester fresh out of a year-long relationship, I have had my fair share of run-ins with what I’ve affectionately named “evil lesbians.” 

And before you call me homophobic, let me explain.

Recently, it feels as though every lesbian, including myself, is facing an evil situationship, an evil ex, a combination of the two or an evil straight girl. And if none of these ring true, you yourself may be the evil one. 

Even my middle-aged chemistry professor regularly mentions her crazy ex-wife. 

The origins of evil lesbians are unknown, but I hypothesize that they are correlated to the overly close and fast-paced connections that women form with other women. 

A straight friend, though there are few, will tell me about dates that last less than an hour, where they only make small talk, and the idea is completely foreign to me. 

They will never know the world of the day-long dates and getting “married” two months in at the ripe age of 19, nor will they understand having sex for more than 30 seconds.

I decided to consult my friend, we’ll call her Cowboy Boots—who has somehow been in more awful situations than I—immediately following her 27-hour first date with a new girl. 

For the record, that 27-hour first date has already ordered their couple’s Halloween costume— “But I’m a Cheerleader,” of course. 

Boots also provided some insight on the foundations of the evil lesbian phenomenon. 

“I think if you don’t have a good relationship with a motherly figure in your life you’re more likely to seek women to love out,” she said. “And therefore you go bonkers, you go crazy.”

Last week, Cowboy Boots hooked up with an obsessive first-year, who reportedly asked Boots to run away with her and carve her name into her. The two have not spoken since.

My recent evil lesbian endeavors involve a short masc who worships the ground I walk upon. We’ve been quick to move from hooking up to … going on dates … maybe … 

All I know is my friends do not approve. We’ll affectionately call her Evil Masc. 

Boots, as well as myself and many others, have become increasingly worried about the phenomenon of hasbians. And no, I’m not talking about bisexuals. I’m talking about people who identify as lesbian for years, date women, and then make a quick and concerning switch to men.

Cowboy Boots’ ex cheated on her with a man. 

“She cheated on me after begging me to trust her. This fucking evil, evil wench,” she said. “Evil, evil, evil.”

The hasbian phenomenon has swept the country, or at least my high school ex-girlfriend. I was alarmed, but not surprised by seeing them with a man on Instagram. Nothing can surprise you when it comes to high-school exes. 

They did, in fact, get with a man who had been in love with them for years, right after we broke up “just to see.”

We also discussed yet another evil lesbian concern: the web. Any lesbian, especially at UVM, knows exactly what I’m talking about. 

“There’s such a culture around being gay here, so everybody’s going after everybody. So it’s just a fucking lesbian cesspool,” Boots said. 

“The web is a circle. And I think that’s what makes lesbians evil. I know that’s what makes us [Boots and I] evil. Because when we talk, we’ll see someone and be like, oh, wait, yeah, I fucked her,” Boots said.

Overall, for those considering a casual, non-committal lesbian fling, here are some tips: don’t. 

They don’t exist. No matter how hard you try. Boots also recommended staying off dating apps. She should take her own advice. 

After my ex walked into my dorm unannounced while in bed with Evil Masc on a warm Saturday morning, I decided that maybe it was time to reconsider casual hookups. 

Evil Masc really has, to be fair, been good to me. Even after I ghosted her for a week to contemplate, she came back ready to pay for my dinner, give me rides to friends’ houses and hold my hand at tattoo appointments. 

And her only obvious red flag is having previously shared a dorm room with her ex. For those concerned, my obvious red flags are irrelevant.

Instead of the situationship life I have lived, I’d recommend living a truly single life, not one full of in-betweens. Make out with random women at Sputies. Don’t get their numbers. Stay evil.

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