There isn’t a man in your shower

Illustration by DANA ELLEMAN
Illustration by DANA ELLEMAN

There’s not a man waiting behind your shower curtain waiting to kill you. Why would there be? That would be a terrible place to murder you in cold blood.

If you’re about to shower, you’ll be naked and vulnerable with nothing to defend yourself. You won’t have a pocketknife or a gun or even your absurdly pointy Toyota Tacoma key.

Maybe you sharpened your toothbrush to a point like a prison shiv for a situation just like this, but that’s some next level paranoid shit your roommates totally judge you for. So lose-lose.

Psychotic killers don’t like any of that stuff, they absolutely hate when it’s easy. And it would be. They’d just plunge their knife into your chest, twist, and pull it out.

Probably about 19 times, give or take a few thrusts depending on how fastidious your killer is. It’s the attention to detail that separates the brutes from those who just love killing.

Or maybe you’ve got that blonde/brunette/small/athletic look like their bitch ex-girlfriend or touchy uncle that really boils their blood. Who knows?

But you’d be dead around the time they got to number 12 most likely.

Any trauma center doctor will tell you stab wounds are almost always much worse than gunshots, and you’re not even 50 Cent.

Killing someone in a tub is also one of the worst spots I can think of, too. The outside curtains are cloudy and opaque, concealing all but the faintest of shadows.

The inner lining is completely waterproof, so it would easily catch all of the umber squirts of life-juice exploding out of your fresh new chest orifice. Tubs drain quickly (depending on your nasty hair situation smothering the drain) and lets them wash all of your evidence off.

Hell, with all the body scrubs you have, they’d probably smell even better than ever before,  too! No murderer wants to walk around with scents of grapefruit and coconut lightly following them all day.

And the police could never catch them after that either. A cursory wipe with some Lysol and it’s like they were never there brutally rending your thoracic cavity.

So tell your roommate to work that long shift till close or spend the night at their significant other’s house.

It’ll be just fine. You can just relax at your place. Alone. It’s not like you haven’t done it before. Why would tonight be any different?

Like I said, there’s not a man behind your shower curtain waiting for you.

But Bloody Mary is totally a real thing so don’t even joke about trying that suicidal shit.