The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

Yik-Yak, ho!

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“Any cute girls trying to hook up in the library?” He leaned back into his chair, satisfied with his most recent attempt to get the ball rolling. Mike Sherman wasn’t new to this game. He’d done this plenty of times before.

His dad always told him the secret to picking up girls was using a wide net, and Mike was using the biggest poon trawler on iOS: Yik Yak. As he waited patiently for the floods of both panties and responses, the lack of stimulation activated the sleep mode on his phone. Mike admired his reflection in the shadowy screen. It was just a dark outline, but he was looking damn good.

His receding hairline emphasized the lone eyebrow traversing his entire head. Its bushiness would make even Squilliam Fancyson flush with envy. This masculine glory all trickled down to a plump neck absolutely abreast with dark, oily tresses. As a self-proclaimed alpha-male, Mike took great pride in asserting modern-day pack dynamics through the power of his voluptuous beard.

A faint buzz and the flash of a notification interrupted the self-reflection on his reflection. His greasy thumb smashed the screen hastily, reopening the app. “Two replies already? This just gets easier and easier,” Mike thought, with a smile creeping upwards on chapped lips.

As always, he posted his snapchat name, Blink182Rox, so that the ladies would confirm his attractiveness. A man of his looks and charisma only pulled hard 10’s, which meant no fatties or flatties. The girls responded promptly with pearly smiles and ample décolletage. Mike grunted in mild approval. He generally liked girls to have larger chests than his strong C-cups, but he’d settle in a pinch.

A final response told his future lovers to meet in the men’s bathroom for their sensational tryst. After some sloppy fondling and a few powerful pumps the deed was done, it had ended as quickly as it started. Mike zipped his fly as he exited the bathroom with satiated sexuality — for the third time this week.

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The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883
Yik-Yak, ho!