The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883

The Vermont Cynic

Five ways to be an NBR pickup artist

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The yearly Naked Bike Ride is once again upon us and, with it, all the excitement and potential for a new hook up. Here’s some simple tricks to help you get into someone’s pants, figuratively speaking.

1. You are what you eat.

The best way to look your best and garner that sweet, sweet sexual validation from strangers is to watch what you put into your body the day of. Eating is a sure fire way to make you look soft and bloated like the overstuffed sofa of a human you are. To avoid this, simply don’t eat all day.

Remember that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, and skinny feels like the bliss of that homeless guy and gawky freshman ogling you every lap. In addition to this, it’s also smart to avoid any softer alcohols, as they’ll fill you up as well. By only consuming strong spirits you’ll be able to keep your figure and doctor your courage to a level where you can bare your body to the entire student body.

2. Dehydrate.

In a similar vein as the previous tip (quite literally), preventing the intake of vital macronutrients can help you more than you’d think. Bodybuilders and actors alike have a system for getting that shredded and vascular look and it involves water.

Four to five days in advance, drink at least two gallons of water a day until the day before the event, then limit it to almost nothing. This will limit subcutaneous liquids and make your skin wrap tighter around your muscles, giving you the disgustingly protruded veins that make the boys and girls go wild.

By the time this is published you won’t have the time necessary to do this, but that doesn’t matter because I’ll look hotter than you anyways. The vodka you’ll be pounding all day should help with this tip, as it’s a diuretic, but just be sure to avoid any mixer that could possibly keep you at a normal liquid level.

3. Riding a bike is a great way to increase your physical stature and speed, enhancing your ability to get noticed.

Your friends may try to convince you that people actually just jog around naked, but why would  the event not be called The Naked Run, then? The addition of wheels and metal works wonderfully in a dark and crowded environment where everyone is heavily inebriated. The biggest plus to this is that when you inevitably eat shit on a tree root or fallen girl, you’ll lose a lot of skin on the concrete, allowing you to become even more naked than before!

4. Simply ask!

Sometimes you’ll stumble upon a couple that’s already started going heels to Jesus right on the ground. Just try to get into that mix. You already know that they’re okay with sex because you’ve been watching it happen from the bushes for the past four minutes. Confidently walk right up to that writhing pile of flesh and see if you can have a turn. Consent is sexy, and by asking for it, there’s almost no way at least one of them won’t say yes.

5. If you meet anybody, don’t tell anyone your name is Daltrey.

Apparently it is extremely ineffective and will ward any sort of affection away from you, like you just ate a peanut-ketchup-onion sundae. If you have this name, perhaps consider a more handsome pseudonym like Slank, Prulpa or Squench.

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The University of Vermont's Independent Voice Since 1883
Five ways to be an NBR pickup artist